VEN (WASHINGTON) — Clearly upset over a DEPENDS incident earlier in the day that forced a Georgetown Baskin Robbins to close indefinitely after “a release by the President that clearly required an emergency response” resulted in the ice cream parlor being declared a Level-1 HAZMAT site, a grumpy sundowning President Buttons took out his wrath on the American people, denouncing racist insurrectionist white supremacist MAGA Republicans as “jerks, stooges, and lackies” who are “standing in the way of progress” by “clinging to the many sins of America’s dark and shameful pre-EV past” and — especially upsetting to Mr Buttons — “hoarding all the goddamn pistachio and chocolate chip ice cream! THAT’S NOT WHO WE ARE!”
A Secret Service agent attached to the President’s detail told VEN‘s Senior Advanced Dementia Correspondent Professor Erwin Corey that the President’s wife Jill — annoyed that the President continues to shower with his 41-year-old daughter — substituted Milk of Magnesia for the President’s Imodium, which caused his specially designed Presidential Adult Diaper (PAD) to suffer a critical, non-recoverable failure.
“This thing was designed by senior engineers at Cal Tech and MIT. It’s reinforced with Kevlar and uses special silicone seals around the legs and waist. It was certified at Lincoln Labs to withstand pressures in excess of 200,000 PSI.
“And yet the President literally shredded it! Like it wasn’t even there! Three agents had to be hospitalized. A Baskin Robbins employee collapsed. Children were screaming and crying.
“It was an absolute nightmare! We’re just lucky that nobody died!”
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