Very Ersatz News Politics

OMG! AOC Like Almost Totally Raped By Gas Stove — Twice!

VEN (WASHNGTON) — Cognitively challenged, little-girl-voiced mockingbird tweeting Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) told VEN‘s Senior Household Appliance Correspondent James King, Sunday, that she was sexually assaulted in her luxury apartment in the upscale Navy Yard neighborhood of Washington DC last week while cooking gourmet duck confit hot pockets from Dean & DeLuca on her new gas range.

“I was like, OMG! Did someone at Starbuck’s slip me a roofie again? Because I was like SO woozy. The last thing I remember was like staring at the hot pockets. And then I guess I passed out. And when I woke up I was like OMG! my blouse and pants were undone. And the stove was standing over me literally grinning at me. And EMTs were so like everywhere! I felt humiliated. And ashamed.”

AOC’s gas range. “It’s like living with Harvey Weinstein. You just never feel safe!”

Ms Cortez’ professional live-in purse carrying omega-male (PLIPCOM) Riley Roberts told authorities that this was at least the second time that Ms Cortez was assaulted by her gas stove.

“If I hadn’t been at Whole Foods looking for almond milk,” the PLIPCOM told responding firefighters, “this might never have happened. I keep asking myself, why did I stop at Slipstream for avocado toast and a latte? I mean I totes knew she was like making hot pockets. What was wrong with me?? Why wasn’t I like, you know, like there for her? Maybe I could have stopped the attack.”

Firefighters, however, tell a different story.

Apparently Ms Cortez is in the habit of blowing out the gas instead of turning it off, something she claims is commonplace in the large Puerto Rican community in Westchester where she and her 25 brothers and sisters grew up, and an integral part of her Puerto Rican heritage.

“My abuela used to light her gas stove from her bedroom with her cigarette lighter. My mother did the same thing. Everyone did. But those stoves were different; they used like a totally climate friendly type of gas called propane. And those propane stoves never tried to rape anyone! In fact, they were our friends! And we trusted them with our lives!”

Developing . . . .