VEN (WELLINGTON) — The mercurial real-life Dr Moreau who turned a lemur into Eric Holder in his secret laboratory in Barbados, apparently did the same thing with a Shetland pony and controversial future-former New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.
“I knew something was wrong,” long-time partner Clarke Gayford told VEN‘s Senior Morphology Correspondent Edward Prendick, “when I came home and Jace was sitting at the kitchen table literally gorging herself on Cheerios. I mean her cheeks were puffed out like a chipmunk’s!
“This sort of thing had happened before, of course, but this time when I asked her how many boxes she’d eaten, she banged her foot on the floor fifteen times, shook her head, and even with her mouth stuffed with cereal somehow managed to make a kind of whinny.
“It was terrifying!”
According to anonymous sources at Maine’s Polytech Institute for Human Genetic Engineering, an Animal-To-Man or ATM transition fails if the transitioner returns to his or her original diet to the exclusion of all else.
“In Ms Ardern’s case,” independent ATM researcher Dr Klaus Montgomery explained, “we believe that her recidivism was the result of her taking up a vegan challenge by a group of disaffected climate-obsessed constituents and forgoing meat, poultry, and fish in favor of grains — particularly oats — augmented by silage and fresh apples and carrots which she demanded be hand-fed to her by her staff and consort.
“Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much. You do this for a even a few weeks and you reach a point of no return.”
Mr Gayford agrees.
“Jace was big on THE LAW. She kept staring at my Quaker Oats and repeating day in and day out It is a hard way, the way of being a man. Sooner or later we all want a thing that is bad and of course when she became prime minister Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law!
“It’s heartbreaking, losing her like this. But to be honest, she never really found her way in the world of human beings. She’ll be happier galloping around and grazing on grass in a paddock, as God intended.”
Developing . . . .