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VEN (VIENNA) — Dr Max Kleinbacher, senior fellow at the Österreichisches Nationalinstitut für Phrenologie in Vienna, issued a stark warning Sunday, expressing his concerns that based on severe deficiencies in both Lower and Superior Sentiments, the newly-elected Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy could pose an existential threat to what’s left of our way of life in the West.

“The man has a bizarre, oddly proportioned, misshapen head with protuberances resembling a cobblestone lane of shoddy construction, something that — in earlier times — one might have been inclined to pay perhaps five pfennigs to gawk at, at a carnival sideshow. There is simply no getting around that!

“Of all the many deficiencies, of greatest concern to me are the areas 7, 8, 10 and especially 18.

“This man — as shocking as it may seem — has no “wonder” whatsoever. He has no true beliefs, no curiosity, and as his opponent for the Speakership Mr Gaetz correctly observed, is nothing more than an empty vessel through which lobbyists and special interests operate.

“I would actually fear for my own safety were I to examine this man in person, even manipulating my calipers from the outside of a hermetically sealed clean room at some distance from him personally.

“Were I still a religious man, I would advocate for an exorcism, as the many odd and troubling lumps and bumps combined with the porcupine aspect of his hair in certain critical areas indicate some sort of demonic possession — almost as if a series of horns were attempting to burst forth, but in a man of such low character more likely the tiny horns of a minor demon. More a kind of inglorious Renfield for those familiar with Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and not by any means a fully-fledged Mephistophelean adversary, in the Faustian tradition.

“This is the sort of man who would sell his soul for a Whitman’s Sampler. And then offer to the unsuspecting the befouled chocolate-covered confections he had bitten into earlier in secret to see if they were to his liking as proffers of his friendship.

“No one should trust this man!”