And Oh Yeah, One Hundred Gazillion Billion Pennies for the Old Guy — Hey Joey, You Got Alotta Essplaing to Do!

VEN (WASHINGTON) Hush Hush Magazine is reporting that a certain demented pedophile president who for unknown reasons misappropriated hundreds of thousands of classified top secret documents from his time with the Obama Administration, was also found to have in his possession 200 kilos of pharmaceutical grade cocaine, two priceless paintings (The Concert by by Johannes Vermeer and The Storm on the Sea of Galilee by Rembrandt) stolen from the Gardner Museum in 1990 and never recovered, over a tonne of gold ingots with Chinese markings, and an anatomically correct plastic blow-up doll of a young Shirley Temple Black, which showed numerous signs of rough trade handling over what appeared to be many years of abuse.

White House LGBTQ spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre, a Haitian immigrant who came to the United States when she was five and — according to Hush Huish Magazine‘s anonymous government sources — is not currently an American citizen, claimed Wednesday that the items of contraband associated with President Biden were “greatly over-exaggerated,” and planted by anti-abortion white supremacist Proud Boy Catholic extremists in a effort to derail the Biden Administration’s plans to ban the use of gas stoves.

Developing . . . .