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VEN (WASHINGTON) — After disregarding his fairy godmother’s advice to never under any circumstances look at himself in a mirror, a sad Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed Hospital Thursday to begin treatment for severe clinical depression.

“I am alone and miserable, “Mr Fetterman told his doctors. “Only someone as ugly as I am could love me!”

In a town where rumors spread faster than Nimrata Rwanda’s STDs at CPAC, beltway insiders tell VEN‘s Senior Acedia Correspondent John Cassian that the newly minted Senator from Pennsylvania collapsed last week after discovering his wife — Lady Macbeth look-alike Gisele Barreto — in bed with a certain large, outspoken, mannish, blonde-out-of-a-bottle congresswoman from one of the more progressive Southern states, “boxing the compass.”

In an exclusive interview with VEN, a pro-Fetterman Pennsylvania Dominion voting machine — who we’ll refer to as DAN to protect his identity– explained that if he had to do it all over again knowing what he knows now about Mr Fetterman’s health, he would have voted the same way again, tens — or in DAN’s case — perhaps hundreds of thousands of times.

“Hey, it’s not as if I have a choice, right? I mean, basically, I just do what I’m programmed to do. Every third vote for Oz more or less was a vote for Fetterman. Truth be told, I would have voted for Satan if he were in my instruction set. And who knows? Looking at Fetterman now, maybe I did!”

Developing . . . .