BREAKING — Damn, Y’all! I Bin Played, Bin Bamboozled! Alvin Bragg Betrayed in Soros Quid Pro Quo Deal for Trump Indictment!

VEN (NEW YORK) — In what many are calling a shocking display of mistimed hubris, an angry Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg interrupted his Sausage, Egg, Cheese and Extra Bacon McGriddles breakfast sandwich Friday at a hastily held press conference in front of the New York Courthouse to denounce former mentor George Soros for going back on his word, after Mr Bragg indicted former President Donald Trump Thursday afternoon on what legal scholars are calling ridiculous, unsupportable — and for Mr Bragg personally — extraordinarily embarrassing charges that could very well lead to his disbarment.

“We had an agreement!” Mr Bragg shouted in between wild peripatetic bites of his supersized McGriddles. “I nail Trump on whatever bullsh*t charges I can come up with, and GS he gets me a three-minute lap dance with Miss Paris from SCORES, a bunch of half-off Big Gulp coupons from 7/11 (flavor of my choice!) — and this what really get me jump salty — my own damn balloon inna Macy’s Day Parade!

“Where my balloon at, George?? Where my coupons at? And why Miss Paris not return my calls?”

New York Congressman and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries issued a statement in support of Mr Bragg, stating in part that he is all too familiar with “the cynical machinations of those white supremacist power brokers who seek to advance their racist agendas by misleading African Americans with promises of various treats — including but not limited to — foreign automobiles, cash, ROLEXs, gold chains, and exotic liqueurs which they have no intention of delivering on.”

Mr Jeffries concluded his statement by sharing his own disappointment when he discovered that the ROLEX gifted to him by Nancy Pelosi when he became Minority Leader was in fact a cheap knock off she had one of her staffers pick up on Canal Street for 15.00 (USD).

“Imagine my embarrassment,” Mr Jeffries revealed. “When I tried to get the damn thing cleaned under warranty at Rolex Boutique Tourneau‬, and the clerk had to explain to me — twice — that is was not a real ROLEX.

“This is the sort of thing that people like Alvin Bragg and myself have to deal with every day! We follow through on our end on every down-low dirty deal they want done, and then when we deliver — and we always deliver — them big rats just take all the cheese away!”

Developing . . . .