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VEN (LOS ANGELES) — First it was a freak fire when one of his vintage cars suddenly burst into flames almost burning him to death, then a few months later while riding one of his custom motorcycles it was a wire stretched across a parking lot that almost decapitated him, leaving authorities baffled by these seemingly bizarre “accidents.”

Not so fast Hush Hush Magazine‘s Sid Hudgens tells VEN publisher and senior editor Perry White, those weren’t accidents.

Sid Hudgens — The Peloso had him set up, it’s that simple.

Perry White — Why would she do that? Do they even know each other?

SH — Because she’s a crazy unstable hop-head. Ever since her days at Trinity. Maybe before. Ever see her diploma? You can’t because there isn’t one. She got kicked out her junior year after she was introduced to JFK at an inaugural ball and asked him in front of his wife Do I give you the blowie here or in the parking lot?

PW — She did that?!

SH — Yeah. And there’s more. Lots more. Who do you think had Natalie Wood killed?

PW — Wasn’t that ruled an accident?

SH — Correctomundo! That’s the official story. But here’s the real 411. She and the Natster were having an affair, but it started going sideways when Paul Lynde got drunk on Hollywood Squares and started making Peloso jokes that no one understood. But the Peloso understood. And that put the Natster on the night train to the big adios!

PW — But why Leno?

SH — Why not? Jay’s been making fun of her for years, especially her over-the-top plastic surgery. She wants him dead. It’s that simple. She and Dianne Feinstein, they’ve been offing people for years. Harvey Milk? Remember him? That was a hit. Harvey and the Paulster were caught with their pants down in an alley outside a gay bocce ball club in Chinatown. Feinstein owed the Peloso a favor for an insider stock tip that made her rich.

Later, as a kind of inside joke, they named a naval replenishment oiler after him. The Harvster got his oil replenished alright — up close and personal with a double tap to the cabeza. These harridans might look like a pair of harmless drunken little old ladies addicted to Demerol, but they are some really nasty, dangerous broads!

Hey, don’t take my word for it. Just ask Bobby Kennedy . . . .

— End of part one —