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VEN (WASHNGTON) — “It’s like trying to hit a Phil Niekro spitball!” that’s how zaftig, woke, CRT- embracing Secretary of Defense Lloyd “The Original D.A.W.G Vader” Austin described the latest threat to America’s sovereignty from the People’s Republic of China.

“I’m not the best guy to talk to when it comes to math, but my people tell me that this thing — whatever it is — literally flies under the radar at less than eleventy thousand feet rendering our SAMs and fighter jets powerless to defend against it.

“Bottom line — and I hate to admit this — but the Chicoms literally caught us with our pants down at Miss Tina’s dancing boy whorehouse in East Saint Louis!”

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and outspoken LBGTQIA+ advocate General Mark Milley agreed.

“First, you really have to admire the bi aspect of the aircraft and the Chicoms having the courage to out themselves like that publicly. You say to yourself, clearly this is not an aircraft that wants to stay in the closet and is proud of who they are and their sexual orientation.

“But then — and this is the hard part for many of us — you start to realize that technically they’re still our enemy. And for those of us in the Pentagon — and I think I speak for the entire general staff — that makes us kinda sad.

“I mean you want to give this aircraft a hug, not shoot it down.”

But can it be shot down?

“Shoot it down? We can’t even track it on radar,” one anonymous military contractor told VEN‘s Senior Aeronautics Correspondent Sir Percy Ware-Armitage Saturday.

“First these guys start releasing giant attack balloons from their secret base on the Moon, and now they’re threatening us with what we believe to be non-cis-gendered woke state-of-the-art (SOA) tree-top-hugging bi-planes.

“And that’s not the worst of it. We also think they’re testing an advanced black powder cannon in the Gobi Desert that not only obscures the battlefield in acrid eye-watering cordite smoke but by removing the cannon rifling they can get it to lob projectiles over 300 yards in all weather conditions, including sleet and other forms of advanced precipitation.

“This is serious. We were so laser-focused on training teenage girls and 70-year-old conscripts for the forever war in the Ukraine, we never saw this coming!”

Developing . . . .