Piggy Gets His Precious, America Gets The Shaft!

VEN (WASHINGTON) — After 14 failed attempts over four days, emotionally arrested, sociopathic RINO Kevin McCarthy finally realized his life-long frat boy dream of becoming Speaker of the House on the 15th ballot, when his remaining six opponents finally capitulated, securing a stunning pyrrhic victory for the soulless petty man-child from California.

“I’ve been dreaming of this day,” a tearful Mr McCarthy told reporters, “ever since I was defeated three times for Student Council President in high school!”

Plans for a post-ballot drug-fueled orgy at the Mayflower Hotel were almost derailed when mercurial, anti-American trickster Matt Gaetz (R-FL), voted present on the 14th ballot, leaving McCarthyites stunned as the would-be Lord of the Flies ended up one vote short of victory.

“Do you know how much a hooker costs in this town??!!” an enraged Mike Rogers (R-AL) screamed at Congressman Gaetz as he stumbled down the aisle racing towards him, only to be restrained at the last minute by Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC).

Mr Rogers — who is currently being sued by legendary football coach Jimmy Johnson for misappropriating his image — was rumored to have been huffing turpentine in the men’s room moments before the attack.

Mr Rogers’ office has denied those allegations.

Developing . . . .