VEN (WASHINGTON) — First to report on Obama’s dolphin DNA, VEN has another blockbuster exclusive!
Unable to afford the prohibitively expensive “Dr Moreau” treatments after leaving the DOJ, former attorney general Eric Holder has gradually reverted back to being a lemur, and — according to anonymous sources — now lives in a tree behind his Maryland residence, spending his evenings eating flies and mosquitoes and foraging through his neighbors’ garbage cans for food.
Concerned family and friends are desperately trying to raise enough money to resume the regimen of treatments that they hope can once again turn the little lemur into the man known as Eric Holder.
To that end — anonymous sources tell VEN — they are hosting a fund-raiser for the National Democratic Redistricting Committee (NDRC) at a private residence in Washington, D.C. on Thursday, which former president Barack Obama is scheduled to attend.
Before he reverted back to being a lemur, Mr Holder chaired the NDRC.
Anonymous sources close to the former president tell VEN that Mr Obama’s “vacation” with Sir Richard Branson on Neker island in late January, was in fact an attempt to enlist Mr Branson’s help in the search for the mysterious “Dr Moreau,” believed to be an eccentric British cricketer, who disappeared from Barbados in 2011 without a trace, after his lab exploded and burned to the ground during a failed attempt to create another Rhianna.
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 