Kafka Network News (WASHINGTON) — Unverifiable sources tell KNN that WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE author John Corsi has uncovered new, shocking information about Barack Obama’s reluctance to make public his much-disputed Hawaiian birth certificate — it was not that Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii, as many believe, but that he wasn’t born at all!
According to our questionable sources, Corsi has compelling evidence that Obama was in fact created in a marine biological laboratory in Oahu, Hawaii, as part of a top secret CIA-backed program involving starfish, dolphins, and various other marine life.
Barry, or Dolphin #295 as he was officially known, was genetically engineered over a 5 year period when Obama was allegedly in Indonesia with his adopted father.
The dolphin progressed through a series of rapid generational transformations, until he emerged as “Barry Obama,” sometime in the late 1970s.
But the mystery doesn’t end there.
According to Corsi, something went terribly wrong. “In their haste to develop a future presidential candidate, they somehow spliced in the so-called gay gene by mistake. By the time they discovered their error, ‘Barry’ was already playing with girls, dressing up in his grandmother’s cloths, using his allowance to buy Judy Garland records, and spending all of his free time at the pool at the YMCA.
“It was too late to turn back. The gay genie was already out of the bottle!”
Former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney dismissed the notion that the President was a genetically engineered gay dolphin as “ridiculous,” and “too bizarre to merit a serious comment.” However, Mr Carney refused to explain why over 50 pounds of fish were delivered to the White House daily, or why the White House pool was allegedly stocked with schools of brim — a favorite dolphin food — as Corsi contends.