We Are Not Amused — Royal Groom of the Stool Assigned to President Buttons Hospitalized, May Never Walk Again!


VEN (LONDON) — In the wake of demented President Button’s disastrous incontinence episode at a Baskin Robbins in Georgetown, none of the world leaders would risk having him ride with them on their chartered bus to Queen Elizabeth’s funeral, so he was forced to use the special Presidential limo known as The Beast, which is fitted with a special isolation chamber to protect the occupants of the vehicle in the event of an unintended elimination mishap (UEM) that exceeds the capacity or resilience of the new and improved industrial strength Presidential Adult Diaper (PAD) which Mr Buttons began wearing 24/7 after he almost killed the Pope during an audience with the Pontiff in January.

King Charles III — in an effort to obviate any problems the President might have which would have detracted from his mother’s funeral rite — went so far as to lend Mr Button’s his Royal Groom of the Stool — Mac Flecknoe — with instructions to “prevent Mr Buttons from making a spectacle of himself should he be so inclined to turn Westminster Abby into another of his many and various HAZMAT sites through carelessness or malice.”

Are we late? Did they start without us? Hello! We’re friends of Frau Blücher!

As Mr Flecknoe explained to VEN‘s Senior Scatological Correspondent Till Eulenspiegel, “I had just inquired of Mr Buttons if he would like a mint as he seemed in some manner of gastric distress. That’s the last thing I remember.”

Details are scarce, but the “incident” was successfully isolated and contained, only delaying the President’s arrival at Westminster Abby by 14 minutes, where the only scandal was the black ribbon Mrs Buttons decided for unknown reasons to put in her hair.

Jill Biden creates a sensation on the tarmac with her outré ensemble from the Dress Barn’s Madonna’s Grandmother collection.

As for Mr Flecknoe, he appears to have saved the lives of everyone in the Presidential limousine and is rumored to have been awarded the Victoria Cross for “most conspicuous bravery, daring, pre-eminent valour and self-sacrifice in the presence of the enemy,” and by order of the King, will have the royal carminative renamed in his honor.

Developing . . . .