VEN (LONDON, Westminster Abby) — Referring to the late Queen Elizabeth II as Queen Victoria, demented pedophile and stridently incontinent President Buttons told a shocked throng of British mourners Sunday, that in his mind “Queen V, and that V you know for my mother and me growing up in the coal mines of Scranton Pennsylvania always stood for Vickie (closes eyes) — excuse me — for Victory, the Queen, your Queen, everyone’s favorite Queen and my favorite Queen was the closest thing I ever got to Shirley Temple in my lifetime!”
“As the Big Bopper — a colored man who was arrested with me in Mississippi during the Civil Rights movement — once said, I should probably have a belly full of wine before I tell you this, but when I was Vice President, I used to imagine her Highness in my swimming pool, late at night, in a tiny bathing suite, maybe a little one piece, maybe one strap hanging loose off her shoulder, with all those royal pin curls dripping wet in the moonlight and that big beautiful coquettish, regal four-year-old smile!”
Mr Buttons then spent a few minutes attacking MAGA Republican white-supremacist insurrectionists for destroying America by refusing to vote for him, before concluding his eulogy by suggesting that as sad as everyone must be at the Queen’s passing, it was comforting to know that now she was resting in a better place, only a dream away, “in a candy shop on a sunny beach of Peppermint Bay,” and admonishing the late Queen not to eat too much, or she might awake with a tummy ache.
“There’ll be Lemonade stands everywhere, number one. And number two, a heavenly place where crackerjack bands fill the air, although I don’t know that for a fact.
“Anyway, well (closes his eyes) I don’t want to talk too long or I’ll get in trouble again. So let me just say that Jill and I are gonna miss you, Vickie! From the bottom of my heart, happy birthday and sweet landings on that chocolate bar!
“I’d just like to add that I hope it’s a Peter and Paul Almond Joy bar. Not because I’m being paid to say that, I’m not. But because it’s my daughter Ashley’s favorite.
“I yield back the balance of my time.”
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