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VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — According to anonymous sources both in and outside of the Biden Administration, not only is the President suffering from advanced dementia that makes him prone to bizarre and inexplicable behavior (whispering, losing his train of thought, exhibiting alarming emotional lability, and walking like Andrew Gillum after a long holiday weekend of non-stop giddyup no-holds-barred rough-trade Grindr three-ways), Mr Biden has a new and more pronounced disability that is raising concerns.

“The man is like uber incontinent, and that’s a nice term for what were dealing with,” a former Secret Service officer assigned to the President’s detail, explained to VEN‘s Senior Political Scatological Correspondent Dr Alphonse Francois De Sade Saturday.

“People think he’s at that fake White House set in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building because of the lighting and so forth. That’s a lot of BS. He’s there because of the hazmat problems he was creating in the Oval Office. We’re talking hospitalizations of senior staff, complete evacuations of the West Wing, lasting hours.

“He gets that look on his face, and everyone runs for an exit. That’s how bad it is.”

A Senior White House official concurred.

“No one wants to ride in the limo with him. It finally got so bad that Blinken reached out to guys at MIT and Cal Tech, asking if they could work with the design team at Kimberly-Clark to come up with a special Presidential DEPEND, after he literally shredded their industrial strength model and almost killed the Pope!

“The reason he’s not being allowed to answer questions from the press is for their own protection, but of course no one’s going to go on CNN and admit that.

“On the rare occasions he’s actually in the Oval Office, we have him on a timer, and by the way to give you an idea just how seriously we’re taking this, monitoring the timer is a senior, Cabinet-level responsibility!

“On his best day, the President’s only good for about 15-20 minutes, and the time-line narrows when he’s under duress. That’s why when he starts to answer questions you see staffers going crazy and shutting things down and rushing the reporters out of the room.

“Because once he enters what we call the Danger Zone — and yes, we’re now using AI facial-recognition software to detect this and give us as much advance warning as possible — we literally have less than 2 minutes to clear the room and get him into the special Presidential Isolation Chamber (PIC). Otherwise, we’re at HAZMAT Classes 1 through 8 again and the Oval Office is hermetically sealed and off limits for another 4-6 months until FEMA gives us the all clear.

“Ironically, everyone thought his biggest problems were selling out his country to foreign interests and showering with his daughter until she was 35.

“If they only knew what was really going on!”

Developing . . . .