VEN (COLORDAO) — America’s first demented 79-year-old incontinent pedophile President, Joe Biden, met with Colorado residents on January 7, after an apocalyptic inferno in the Denver area — caused, experts believe, by an unusually large number of unmasked households — destroyed over 1000 homes and caused in excess of half a billion dollars in damages.
In a hastily held press conference, surrounded by law enforcement and first responders, the President attempted to console the survivors.
“You know my house in Delaware where I live with my wife and Jill and our four dogs and — I’ll probably get in trouble for saying this — three little 7-year-old orphans from Haiti that we keep in a special, a very special climate-controlled room in the basement. They’re wonderful kids! Hola, Chicas!
“Anyway, about 120 years ago, just after I was sworn into the Senate, when I — it was during a hurricane — I had just finished showering with my 12-year-old daughter, Ashley, when — and this is the real deal! — our house — just like your houses — was completely destroyed by a runaway train that derailed in Scranton, where I grew up selling cat-eye marbles at flea markets when I was 9 to help out the family when my father — an honest hard-working Irish-Catholic immigrant from Newark — contracted syphilis again BECAUSE HE WASN’T VACCINATED and couldn’t work. And in those days if you couldn’t work, you didn’t eat! It was a cold dark winter, and the unemployed would fill up the emergency rooms BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T WORKING! (Leans into the microphone and whispers — Get EMPLOYED!)
“And that break-away train — that’s what they called it, a break-away train! My good friend Angelo told me that. And it’s something I never forgot. I’d get on the train in Union Station with an empty suitcase. And when I got to Delaware, Angie would get it for me, from the baggage car. And every so often he’d get one of the colored boys to help him, because — you know — it could be pretty heavy sometimes! (I’m sorry, they called the darkies coloreds back then, but now — and I should know better because Kamala’s always correcting me on this — I believe they prefer Negro, so I apologize for that).
“Anyway, that suitcase — you just never knew. Sometimes it would be filled with cash, and sometimes with untraceable securities, and every once in awhile with a little girl or a little boy, as sweet as can be, and fast asleep from the chloral hydrate they were given
in Foggy Bottom or the safe house the intelligence guys ran across the street from the Mayflower Hotel.
“Anyway, the train, the break-away train, it ran right up our front lawn and through the middle of our house like a tornado and the whole house collapsed, just fell down on top of itself, killing Jemima our maid, Hunter’s pet hamster Mr San Francisco, and our little dog Brandon, who was gnawing on one of my wife’s Frederick’s of Hollywood’s shelf bras in the pantry, although — I’m not gonna lie to you — she rarely worse bras in those days, which — let me tell you — could be quite a distraction. Especially for Hunter and Beau!
“Well, looks like they’re waving at me, so I guess I ran over again. And I apologize for that.
“So one last thing and then I’ll get outta your hair. Look, I may be a Senator from Delaware a million miles away from here, but believe me when I tell you. I’ve said this a million times and it couldn’t be more true today — Maine has a special place in my heart, always has, and I know exactly what you’re going through! May God bless!”
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