VEN (WASHINGTON) — In a surprise announcement Wednesday morning, CDC Director
Rochelle Walensky warned against too much sunshine and fresh air, explaining that recent studies from the Merck Institute in Tel Aviv indicate that light particles known as photons mix with carbon dioxide and oxygen in the atmosphere to form a toxic substance that is 2000 times more deadly than smoking 20 packs of mentholated cigarettes a day.
“We don’t want to create unnecessary alarm,” Dr Walensky explained, “but exposing yourself to sunlight for an extended period of time can result in sudden death from stroke or heart attack, especially when combined with heavy exercise like running, swimming, bicycling, looking at pretty girls, or cross-country skiing — anything that gets your heart rate up.
“The causative factor is the newly discovered Car³SolO² compound, which is lethal to humans in excess of 400 parts per million, and which we believe is produced when lithium-ion batteries discharge excess hydrogen into the atmosphere and this rogue hydrogen waste product combines with sunlight to form Car³SolO² — a tasteless, odorless gas that’s very difficult to isolate and detect, making it an extraordinarily efficient silent killer!
“Studies at Harvard and Johns Hopkins indicate that Car³SolO² can be absorbed through the lungs, skin, eyes, and mouth, so if you do have to go outdoors during the day — and CDC is recommending against this — CDC strongly recommends that you wear a classic black lead-lined unisex burka, preferably from the FDA-approved Faiza Bouguessa Winter Fatwa Collection, although — owing to mounting world-wide supply chain interruptions — we realize that currently these burkas are difficult to obtain.
“If you cannot obtain a Faiza Bouguessa lead-lined burka, CDC recommends that you wear a Nordstrom or Lord & Taylor full-length black woolen overcoat — it doesn’t have to be cashmere, but cashmere is preferred owing to its Car³SolO² repellent properties — and hold your breath until you can get inside your car, the trunk of your car, or into the shade where preliminary studies indicate that a lethal accumulation of Car³SolO² is unlikely.”
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