VEN (WASHNGTON) — “A man is in general better pleased,” Samuel Johnson once remarked, “when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek!”
But what if his wife screamed Greek?
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin sought to answer that question Wednesday, when he announced the creation of two all-female special forces units designed to relentlessly and without mercy “nag the enemy to death.”
Denounced by Russian President Vladimir Putin as an outrageous violation of the Geneva Convention, the Harpies (Army) and Harridans (Marines) will focus their toxic negative energy (TNE) on the battlefield through advanced Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) technology developed by Raytheon in conjunction with Mitre and MIT’s Lincoln Labs.
“Basically,” Pentagon Spokesperson Colonel Harvey T. Blackwell explained to reporters, “we intend to have these women rat and bitch the enemy until the bad guys either die outright or start shooting themselves to make it stop!
“Speaking from experience, as anyone whose been in an LTR (Long Term Relationship) with a woman up to and including marriage knows, Superman would gladly embrace a giant Kryptonite meteor to escape the lethal TNE emanating from a venomous Lois Lane. And we expect the enemy to do the same!”
Director of Misandrous Acoustic Weapons Technology at Raytheon, Dr Christian Szell, claims that he came up with the idea of a TNE weapon when he was stuck behind a woman in the Express Checkout at Giant Foods with in excess of 12 items who was arguing with the cashier over an expired coupon valued at 25 cents.
“I became disoriented and then physically ill. The checkout girl and the manager she summoned both quickly became incapacitated. Someone called 911, but by the time they arrived many unfortunate men within earshot were in cardiac arrest. It was apocalyptic!”
Whereas the effects of TNE on woman are usually short-lived, on men it can cause severe physical and psychological damage up to and including death.
In one Pentagon study, 85% of male soldiers exposed to 15 minutes of focused TNE at Aberdeen Proving Ground later began self-identifying as women and requested sexual reassignment surgery.
“We literally castrated ’em!” an exuberant Major Tina “Butch” Cassidy, Commanding Officer of the Harpies, told reporters.
“The knock against women in the Armed Forces,” she went on to explain, “has always been that we’re weak, hesitant, and have a tendency to break down under duress. But then we started thinking outside the box — we asked ourselves who likes to kill men everyday as painfully as possible and for no reason whatsoever?
“The answer was staring us right in the face! And that’s when the Harpies and their sister unit the Harridans were born!”
Developing . . . .