VEN (CONCORD, NH) — While handing out Pfizer-donated transgender-neutral non-denominational Kosher-and Kwanza-approved Ukranian-certified 10%-for-the-big-guy holiday presents at Dartmouth Health Children’s Hospital Saturday, New Hampshire Uber RINO Governor Chris Sununu confessed to reporters that not only doesn’t he have any coattails when it comes to general elections, but he rarely if ever wears boxers or briefs, as a result of a series of atomic wedgies he received during the 7th grade.
“I came home crying one day and my father took me aside and explained that he himself stopped wearing undergarments after a drunken President Bush 41 humiliated him in front of several heads of state by giving him a super-atomic wedgie during a Davos conference in Berne, Switzerland.
“We’re Sununus, he told me. People envy who we are, and they show their envy by giving us wedgies. So, do we just stand there and take it?? No! We fight back by going commando! They have no response for that. And so we win and they lose! And you’ll discover, like I did, that we Sununus do some of our best thinking bare bottomed, unrestrained, without our supple buxom backsides in a sling!
“It was a lesson I never forgot!”
Indeed, VEN‘s Senior Foundation and Advanced Undergarment Correspondent Arthur Kneibler discovered that while at MIT, Chris Sununu’s younger brother Michael founded the Numquam Ubi Sub Ubi Society after he was dangled over the Longfellow bridge on three separate occasions by a group of marauding Harvard undergraduates who gave him a series of violent super-atomic-kangaroo-wedgies which almost emasculated him, until finally during the third wedgie his BVDs gave way entirely sending him hurtling into the Charles River, where — pantless and blinded by his own “husky” plus-size briefs — he almost drowned.
Developing . . . .
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 