There He Goes, There He Goes Again! Is Buttons’ Diphenoxylate Addiction a Threat to National Security?

VEN (Washington) — “It’s really just a matter of time before he kills someone.” That’s how one dispirited West Wing insider summarized the so-called “Biden Situation” plaguing the White House.

“The man just soils himself. Repeatedly. He actually enjoys it for some reason. It doesn’t matter where he is or what he’s doing or who he’s talking to. Suddenly he gets this strained look on his face, closes his eyes, and then just-like-that he relaxes, smiles this glorious ear-to-ear triumphant smile and happily awaits the HAZMAT cleanup crew.

“He’s shameless.

“You want to know how serious this is? After more incidents than I care to remember, we finally gave up and drained the White House pool. That’s how serious this is.

“Try as we might, we’re forced to play the hand that we’ve been dealt. And it’s extremely discouraging.

“You saw the clip when he fell off his bike after he pulled over and stopped? That was caused by a max-load incursion that upset his balance. Those people around him have no idea how lucky they were that the diaper held while experiencing barely containable stress just short of overall system failure. Otherwise, who knows what might have happened??

“And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s shot up with so much diphenoxylate and atropine that they had to increase his methamphetamine injections whenever he gives a speech. He’s like a ticking time bomb now, in more ways than one.”

The problem has become so serious, according to VEN‘s Senior White House Involuntary Evacuation Correspondent Christophe des Rosiers, that after Mr Buttons’ bicycle mishap yet another iteration of the Presidential diaper has been developed, this time by senior engineers at Mitre and CERN.

Known as the Impervious Presidential Adult Diaper or iPAD for short, it uses an advanced anal probe designed by NASA and the same graphite sheathing used on the M1 bomber.

Will it work? That’s anybody’s guess. But rigorous testing at the Aberdeen Proving Ground has been encouraging.

“Look. Bottom line, the President is like a squirrel relentlessly striving to overcome a squirrel-proof birdfeeder, although in Mr Button’s case it’s his diaper.

“In other words, Mr Buttons has nothing else to do all day except figure out how to defeat the latest diaper we install. And that’s basically all he does, 24/7.”

As an additional precaution when travelling, Mr des Rosiers learned, there is a now a special unmarked black van in the motorcade with a quick change station. If the iPad’s sensors detect an incursion, the president is immediately rushed to the van, changed, sanitized, and refitted with a fresh iPad in less than 15 minutes by specially trained FEMA HAZMAT specialists under the supervision of a senior team of Visiting Angels.

UPDATE — Since this story was originally published, Apple, Inc has sent a cease and desist letter to the White House, threatening a lawsuit for trademark infringement over the use of the term iPAD.

The letter reads in part — “Sales are down 15% in EMEA and ASIAPAC, 20% in the Americas — no one wants to hold something in their hand that they associate with an impending catastrophic scatological disaster.”

Developing . . . .