Very Ersatz News Politics

Hello, I Must Be Going! John Fetterman Talks Turkey With VEN Outside Emerald City

VEN (PITTSBURG) — VEN‘s Senior Advanced Aphasia Correspondent, Dr Dorothy Gale, caught up with John Fetterman at the continental breakfast buffet in the Brookville Hilton lounge early Wednesday morning, after the 375-pound Lieutenant Governor had just finished what aides referred to as a simulated 10-mile run through historic Brookville, Pennsylvania, aided by an electric-powered SUV equipped with a Fitbit to record Mr Fettermen’s imagined progress during his virtual exercise.

VEN — Mr Fettermen, how are you doing this morning?

John Fettermen — loQ ‘oy’DI’ SuvwI’ bepbe!

VEN — I’m sorry, was that, are you, are you speaking Klingon, sir?

JF — DR OZ WANTS TO CUT SOCIAL SECURITY! In several of his, his the mansions.

VEN — How do you think you did in the debate last night, sir?

JF — When there are taxes, then you can see for yourself if New Jersey, what the people really want? I’m not so sure that they — the people Mr OZ wants to keep in prison — that they think they do! Hoch ‘ebmeytIjon!

VEN — With all due respect, Mr Fetterman, are you a Klingon, sir? The Wall Street Journal this morning speculates that you could be a Klingon. How do you respond to that?

JF — I don’t ever recall in the Statue of Liberty that they say, Take our tired huddled masses, put them on a bus and use cheap political stunts inter galactically. Excuse me. Inner racially, like my opponent who will try to buy Pennsylvania into the United Federation and vote with, with President Trump!

Klingon dressed up as John Fetterman for Halloween.

VEN — Are you a Klingon, sir?

JF — Yes, we had Crips — look, Zulus! Thousands of ’em! And of course, a boy when he, if he, to go to Vermont has never wept…nor dashed a thousand kin.

VEN — It’s a simple question, sir. Are you a Klingon?

JF — Well, my dodgers have made it very clear you can play jacks and girls do that with a soft ball and do tricks with it. I take all events into consideration — I mean, pop ‘oH ghob’e’. Come on, open the soap duckets! The chimney sweeps! Talk to the sword, to the French-Canadian bean soup! And yet the train in Spain is not — when you see it — unlike Social Security — mainly with Roe v Wade along with — and don’t let them when the Saints, when they come marching in, behind you, too fast! Ask yourself — is that what New Jersey really WANTS!

Developing . . . .