BREAKING! John Fetterman Denies Pumpkin Rumors As Calls for Medical Records Increase!

VEN (Scranton) — Was John Fetterman created by a real-life Dr Korby in a clandestine DARPA space lab on the dark side of the Moon?

Whistleblower Christine Chapel says yes, and makes the shocking claim that Mr Fetterman did not have a massive stroke in May as claimed, but instead fell into a kiddie wading pool while chasing a young Amerind Campfire Girl whom he incorrectly identified as an extremist MAGA Republican, short-circuiting his wiring.

“His IFF programming was faulty,” Ms Chandler explained to VEN‘s Senior AI Correspondent Samuel Treadwell. “We knew that when he shipped. The plan was to get him installed in Braddock, and then ECO him at a later date. But our priorities shifted when Biden V3.0 started to malfunction.”

VEN — Hold on. You’re saying that President Biden is an android too?

CC — Absolutely! We were very proud of that program. We used a faulty 20-year-old StrongARM chip to create what we called the Biden Effect, and the real-time I/O glitches just enhanced that effect. It was amazing work!

VEN — And the real Joe Biden?

CC — He died of a drug overdose in a dancing boy whorehouse in Kabul in 2014.

VEN — And Mr Fetterman — was he part of the same android program?

CC — Yes. He was based on Ruk, an ancient android prototype from the icy planet Exo-III, that had its atmosphere destroyed by DNA-altered scientists eons ago who were trying to prevent sunburns on clothing-optional beaches and ended up turning their planet into a frozen hellscape.

VEN — So can Android Fetterman be fixed? And why does he look like a pumpkin now?

CC — Very good questions! You might ask the same thing about Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Chuck Schumer, Jared Kushner, Barack Obama, Lizzo, and Klaus Schwab!

The short answer is we don’t know why he started looking like a pumpkin. Or why Trump started turning orange. And in Fetterman’s case, it doesn’t happen all the time.

We think he may have stared at a pumpkin a little too long — possibly in a pumpkin patch, possibly in a pumpkin display outside a grocery store — and for some reason this revealed a bug in his morphing engine which uses the 64-bit Proteus 9 chip of our own invention.

A similar thing happened to Jussie Smollet who as originally designed was a straight white ultra MAGA Republican, until one day he got into a lengthy argument with a gay black man outside of a Starbucks in Chicago.

VEN — And he became a gay black actor?

CC — It only took 25 minutes. We reflashed the firmware twice, but it only made things worse.

Before we close, I’d just like to add that I am not suicidal and that there’s a reason why Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson were never photographed together.

VEN — Are you saying they’re the same android?

CC — Draw your own conclusions.

Developing . . . .