VEN (NEW JERSEY) — After being blindfolded and driven for several hours to an undisclosed location somewhere in New Jersey farm country, Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) apologizes for “the inconvenience” as his security detail tells us we can now remove our blindfolds.
It’s almost 11:30 on a warm July night and we’re in the middle of a corn field — seven reporters, Senator Booker, and four men dressed in black with Uzi’s.
Senator Booker explains again that secrecy is necessary; otherwise “everybody know where the Moon is. And as I’m sure y’all can understand I just can’t have that!”
The Moon the Senator is referring to is one of his closest advisors who — like his imaginary friend T-Bone — offers him political advice, advice on personal hygiene, cosmetics, life coaching, and — from time to time — fashion tips.
“It was the Moon told me to shave my head in 2005, and he set me up with the police scanner when I was Mayor of Newark. Moon make me who I am today!”
We all stare up at the starry moonless sky.
“He holdin’ back!” the Senator explains. “Or we too late! Or maybe he don’t like all these people he don’t know! Let’s give it a few more minutes, see if he come out!”
“Senator!” a reporter from MSNBC shouts out. “It’s July 12. It’s a new moon. The moon isn’t visible tonight.”
“Damn! Tell that man to be quiet!” Mr Booker barks at one of his security detail. “Or he goes back in the SUV! I don’t need nobody scarin’ The Moon! Y’all be quiet! Let me think!
Mr Booker walks into the cornfield alone, with his left hand cupped to his ear.
“T-Bone, baby, it’s Cory. What the hell should I do? I’m up here in Jersey waitin’ on the . . . . Oh, my! You sure??
“OK everyone! This is HUGE!
“T-Bone just told me Trump steal the Moon again. This is serious! He’s holding the Moon hostage until (what was that, T-Bone?) until the Chinese stop manipulating their currency.
“You can publish that. Hang on — T-Bone givin’ me the lead. OK, T-Bone, go ahead. I’m listenin’!”
“Headline — Trump Got The Moon, Won’t Let Go! Wait, there’s more! President tell Jeff Sessions to have ICE put the Moon in a cage in a detention center in El Paso! NASA can’t find the Moon. Looked everywhere! #RESIST to protest in 20 cities until the Moon is returned! Maxine Waters — stealin’ the Moon is an impeachable offense! Trump WORSE than Hitler! Not even Hitler steal the Moon! Moon spotted under a huge tent in Mar-A-Lago! Someone thinks they saw the moon being forced into an SUV at gunpoint in Galveston!
“This is TREASON! Ain’t nobody got the right to apprehend a celestial body, ‘specially the Moon, one of my closest, dearest friends!
“BRING BACK THE MOON, Trump, you racist motherf**ker! NO MOON, NO PEACE!
“OK, that’s a wrap guys. Let’s head back. If you have any questions, please contact my office.”
Developing . . . .