VEN (SEATTLE) — Just when Social Justice Warriors didn’t think it could possibly get any better, the newer, kinder, more socially-aware coffee vendor to the world, Starbucks, announced Saturday that their lawyers have filed the necessary paperwork with the requisite US federal agencies to begin operating as licensed public methadone clinics, hopefully as early as March of 2019.
“Free bathrooms and tables for everyone was just the beginning,” CEO Howard Schultz explained to reporters Sunday. “As you know we closed our venues for one day to provide our partners with diversity training, added free condoms and sterilized hypodermic needles to our list of amenities, and then we stood back, took a deep breath, and asked ourselves — hey guys, are we really doing enough?
“And the answer we came back with was no, we’re not doing enough. We’re Starbucks, for goodness sake. We can always do better!
“And that’s when we decided to take it to the next level and become a free methadone clinic to further assist our valued paying-optional customers.
“It’s really the best of all possible worlds!”
Mr Schultz denied rumors that three Starbucks venues in California and two in Philadelphia were declared HAZMAT sites, after health inspectors discovered the now-public bathrooms were contaminated with blood products, used inter-venous drug paraphernalia, and copious human waste which tested positive for Hepatitis C, typhus, and a rare South American strain of bubonic plague.
Mr Schultz dismissed these and similar criticisms as hateful exaggerations by so-called alt-right extremists like Kanye West, The Gateway Pundit, and “the white supremacist guys” at Breitbart and Dunkin Donuts.
“Hey, every new progressive coffee program rollout is bound to have a few bumps, which will be exaggerated by the alt-right press.
“We had one, just one case of typhus in a San Diego venue, OK? That’s hardly an epidemic!
“And we’re hoping the free condoms and syringes, along with our new methadone program will discourage that kind of atypical — albeit unfortunate — behavior going forward.”
As for the planned price increases to cover the costs of HAZMAT cleanups and giveaways?
“Our extensive research indicates that our non-payment-optional customers will be delighted to contribute 12.95 for a cup of Starbucks coffee if it means helping a homeless person have a warm, safe non-judgmental place to panhandle, hang out with friends, or — and we encourage this — conduct sensitive personal business in the privacy of our non-discriminatory, race-neural, LGBTQ-welcoming state-of-the-art bathrooms for up to several hours at a time, if necessary, without fear of being marginalized or harassed!”
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