VEN (LONDON) — Jeremy Partington, a fifth-generation Royal Miscegenarian, told reporters Monday that determining the racial admixture of royal offspring is all in a day’s work for a Royal Miscegenarian, although — admittedly — for the last 358 years the position has largely been ceremonial.
“There was a time just before the Restoration in 1660, when Charles Stuart was subjected to a battery of tests by the Royal Miscegenarian designed around his personal hygiene (or lack thereof) to determine if he was in fact French, which — at that time — would have prevented his ascension to the English throne.
“I’m delighted to report that aside from some minor affectations around perfumed soaps and unctions, and what was then deemed an acceptable level of courtly effeminate behavior, Charles passed with flying colors, much to the relief of the Royal Tarterers, who had been out of work since 1645, when Oliver Cromwell — in retaliation for his unflattering portrayal as Simple Simon in the popular royalist nursery rhyme — banned pie eating throughout the British Isles.”
But a Royal Quadroon? In 21st-Century England? Seriously?
“Yes, well, unfortunately, it’s not going as well as we’d hoped. Many thought we’d confused dragoon with quadroon. Then of course you had your poltroon and racoon advocates, whom we somehow inadvertently offended.
“An American Royal enthusiast emailed us wondering if we had perhaps misspelled platoon.
“And an amateur miscegenarian autodidact from Wessex sent us a series of bizarre charts from Ancestry.com, insisting that all the genetic evidence pointed to octoroon, which of course makes no sense at all.
“I mean we’ve all seen Pinky, for goodness sake! And no, we were not mistaken in our assessment.
“But the real trouble started when a guy posing as Tommy Robinson started The Royal Quadroon Countdown website, which has subsequently been taken down by the authorities.
“The Tommy Robinson impersonator — who calls himself Ignatius Pell — was imprisoned for 125 years for behaving in a way that might grievously offend our Islamic Replacement Population, who — the Crown argued — if they could read English — might, after viewing the website, put down their machetes, their bottles of battery acid, disband their rape gangs, and immediately return to Sweden, Germany, and France.
“So we really dodged a bullet on that one!”
Developing . . . .