VEN (KAMPALA) — Outraged that his country had been eclipsed by Madagascar in the extremely competitive African virulent disease international aid wars, a furious Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni told his Minister of Health Jane Aceng in August that if she wanted to keep her ears, she had better get to work creating something “really big” and “incurable” that would drive a massive infusion of hard currency “Ebola Dollars” into the Ugandan economy.
On Tuesday, a triumphant Ms Aceng — flanked by her staff and representatives from several foreign intelligence agencies — proudly debuted the highly contagious, incurable Ebloa-like Marburg virus, which — she explained — has been flourishing in the Kween district of eastern Uganda since mid October.
“We believe we have hit all the requisite notes,” a smiling Ms Aceng told reporters Wednesday. “And yes,” she joked, “I still have my ears!” as she leaned forward, displaying a stunning pair of Cartier 4.5 carat diamond and platinum earrings from the esteemed 1895 Collection valued at well over 100,000.00 USD, with which an overjoyed President Museveni rewarded her for her efforts.
As Presidential spokesperson Kacancu Magunda told reporters, “It’s relatively new, it’s unique, very deadly, highly contagious, and most important incurable. In fact, it makes Ebola and the bubonic plague look like the common cold!
“In terms of foreign aid potential, we have leapfrogged over Sierra Leone, Guinea, Liberia, and Madagascar just like that (snapping his fingers) and we couldn’t be happier!
“As for myself, I just put in an order for another brand new Lamborghini, 1000 cases of Cristal, and not one but TWO pairs of Nike Air Mags, each pair autographed by both Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox!
“So yes, personally, I couldn’t be happier!”
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