VEN (SOUTH BEND) — “Wow,” a blushing and uncharacteristically camera-shy Pete Buttigieg told VEN‘s Senior Catamitic Reporter Myra Breckinridge, “It looks like you guys sort of caught me with my pants down. Literally, with my pants down. I mean, Wow! OMG! Just Wow!”

The recently divorced Mr Buttigieg and MAGA-turned-never-Trumper Matt Drudge emerged from their private honeymoon suite in the Rolling Prairie Men’s Room late Sunday, surrounded by a small circle of their closest LGBTQ+ friends after what many believe was a brief — but vigorous — rough trade consummation of their marriage (the first for Mr Drudge), which took place earlier Sunday  in the parking lot of the queer-popular I-90 rest stop, famous for its many gay assignations,  after the couple was forced from the vestibule of the Basilica  of the Sacred Heart at nearby Notre Dame University, where Mr Buttigieg’s father, Joseph Buttigeig — world-renowned author of the New York Times best-seller, The Art of Felching —  is an Emeritus Professor of 20th-century Sodomy, Pedophilia,  and Classical Greek and Roman  Homoerotic Perversions.

“On behalf of Matt and myself,” Mayor Pete explained, “we’d just like to remind everyone on this our most special day, that Jesus was himself a proud gay man, who lived and traveled with 12 other proud gay men — his apostles — and one devoted lesbian,  Galilee fast-pitch softball champion Mary Magdeline, and that like many gay men today in America, he was sentenced to death by the white supremacist, homophobic, racist anti-semite Pontius Pilate, who — I think even the most uptight  cis-gendered straight person would agree — bears an uncanny resemblance to soon-to-be-impeached, anti-undocumented-immigrant,  Not My President, queer-fearing Donald Trump!”

Mr Drudge, sporting a Hillary 2020 button, nodded in agreement, but refused to talk with reporters.

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