VEN (NEW YORK) — For the small, fat, unpopular, injaculating Jewish Assemblyman from Brooklyn who dreamed of one day being a balloon in the Macy’s Day Parade, running for Congress seemed like an impossible dream.
Until he met Jose. 
Jose Buendía — known professionally as El Matador — promised the young Assemblyman that he would help him become a Congressman, in return for “some favors down the road.”
It was an offer the ambitious Mr Nadler could not refuse.
“Jerry had this thing about Trump. I mean he hated the guy,” a longtime Nadler associate told VEN‘s Senior Congressional Correspondent Frank Skeffington at Tio Pepe’s Bodega Loca on Long Island Friday.
“It was all about that damn balloon thing. Jerry was going to take Underdog’s place in the parade, then out of nowhere Trump donates 1.5 million to keep Underdog flying. Actually it was a package deal — Underdog and Snoopy, which at it turned out was Jerry’s backup plan!
“So of course Jerry goes nuts, and puts on another 85 pounds in three weeks to show the parade organizers what they were missing. He was out of control! Do you know he actually ate all the goddamn pigeons on the upper West Side?
“I doubt Trump even knew who Jerry was — his daughter Ivanka just liked Underdog — but Jerry never forgave The Donald. And with Jose’s help, he set out to bring him down.”
Graft, corruption, drug smuggling, illegal immigration, child trafficking, murder — and at the center of it all was Jerry Nadler, Thai Lady Boys, and buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
“Under Bush and Obama everything was going fine. But Jerry ran into a brick wall when Trump became President. He wasn’t getting results, and suddenly MS-13 was being targeted and deported. That’s when things took a dark turn for Jerry.
“You think he passed out at the press conference? No way. That was MS-13 sending him a message. They put fentanyl in his Happy Meal. The next day Jerry subpoenaed Hope Hicks and Donald Trump, Jr.
“And all of this because Jerry never became a Macy’s Day balloon! It’s crazy!”
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 