Is Jerry Nadler’s Injaculation Problem a Threat To National Security?

VEN (NEW YORK) — Professional Trump antagonist and staunch stomach-stapled former Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey fat man Jerry Nadler (D-NY), suffered yet another so-called medical emergency Friday — this time during a Warren Wilhelm press conference in a gymnasium surrounded by children on the Upper West Side of New York.

However, many experts believe that this was not a medical emergency at all, but the result of Mr Nadler’s long-standing — and his friends say troubling — addiction to the questionable Taoist practice of injaculation.

“Jerry was absolutely galvanized by Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper in Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove,” a longtime associate of the congressman told VEN‘s Senior Nebbish Correspondent Lionel Mandrake late Saturday.

“And as a fat unpopular awkward little Jewish kid growing up in Brooklyn, it legitimized his need to — in his words, not mine — withhold his natural body essences.  He was fanatical about it!”

Others reject that explanation.

“The guy was just a third-rate masturbator,” a former Nadler classmate told VEN.  “He couldn’t get it right.  In fact, we all thought he was the inspiration for the kid in Midnight Cowboy — you know the one in the movie theater with Joe Buck who has no money and cries when Buck tries to take his watch.

“That fit Jerry to a tee!

“But as it turns out, we were wrong.  Jimmy [ Herlihy  ] told us the character wasn’t based on Jerry, it was  based on a young Chuck Schumer, whom he hooked up with several times at the old Elgin Theater in Chelsea.”

According to unnamed sources, Mr Nadler had his former tailor at Korvettes design special high-wasted trousers to accommodate his frequent need to injaculate no matter what the circumstances, public or private.

“Let me put it to you this way,” a former CIA case officer explained.  “Apparently Jerry and Khrushchev had the same tailor.  So of course the KGB picked up on it immediately.  I’ve seen the file.  It’s not pretty.  The man is a chronic injaculator.  And sometimes he doesn’t get it right, OK?  I mean the guy’s a putz!

“In fact, many at the agency think Putin forced Nadler to broker the Uranium One deal — or they were going public with what they knew.  And they knew plenty!”

Developing . . . .