Kickstart My Heart — Judge Kavanaugh Denies New Petting Zoo Allegations, While Senator Grassley Scrambles To Accommodate Dr Ford’s Latest List Of Non-Negotiable Demands!

VEN (WASHINGTON) — Judicial Committee staffers worked late into the night Tuesday, sorting through over 2000 packages of M&Ms to ensure that alleged drunken groping victim Christine Blasey-Ford had exactly 256 red M&Ms in a spotless (no fingerprints) Waterford crystal bowl with an exact diameter of 12.5 inches in her dressing room by 8:30 AM Thursday morning ahead of her scheduled testimony at 10:00 ET.


“Her lawyers made it very clear to us,” Judicial Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Wednesday, “that if we didn’t get the M&Ms right, Dr Ford would not testify.”

Additionally, VEN learned that Ms Ford is now requesting Absolut vodka (must be Absolut), Jack Daniel’s, selection of fine beers (for the attorneys), PG Tips teabags, water, Jerk chicken, rice and peas, pizza (Margherita), vegetarian and non-vegetarian sandwiches. Doritos, nuts, and bananas, as well as Camel Lights, joss sticks (variety of fragrances), fresh towels, and a sign for the door of her green room that reads: Only Big Boys Can Enter.


These new demands came after a frustrated Senator Grassley already agreed to Ms Ford’s initial demands for 2 fifths of Ketel One vodka, 2 fifths of Jameson’s, 1 fifth of Sauza Silver tequila, 48 bottles of Stella Artois, 24 bottles of Corona, 1 bottle of red wine, 12 cans of Coke, 1 box of Emergen-C powdered vitamin drink, 1 gallon fresh orange juice. And a plum.

Meanwhile, Michael Avenatti — the attorney for Melvin “Doc” McReady, the former owner of the now defunct Little Pals petting zoo in Rockville, Maryland — contends that when Judge Kavanaugh was a teenager he and several of his classmates from Georgetown Prep School visited Mr McReady’s petting zoo sometime in the mid 1980s “high on ketamine and PCP” and requested “time alone” with several of the animals, an allegation Judge Kavanaugh vigorously denies.

But many Democrats are not convinced of the judge’s innocence.


“See — this what happens,” Senator Mazie Keiko Hirono (D-HI) told reporters, “when men can’t find drunken women to debase.

“They get crazy AF and will look to barnyard for their satisfaction!

“I am no surprised base on fact that he is man AND looking at his judicial record that Judge Kavanaugh would drug and take advantage of racoon or goat. Just look at him! Plain as nose on face!

“In this instance, I believe sheep. Who would not believe sheep? You MUST believe sheep! What reason would sheep have to lie?!”

Developing . . . .