VEN (WASHINGTON) — Hoards of hungry feminists, many wearing signature pink anti-everything male pussyhats– while others were dressed more elaborately as vaginas — descended on the nation’s capital Wednesday, and immediately mobbed several Dunkin’ Donuts restaurants near the Mall, buying out all their baked goods and the rioting when the restaurants were forced to close early.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” one frightened counter worker told VEN‘s Senior Gender Correspondent Alexander Portnoy, as scores of angry plus-sized women pounded on the locked doors demanding donuts to the deafening chant of NO DONUTS, NO PEACE!
“It was like a swarm of very large angry female locusts! They ate EVERYTHING! I almost lost a finger! Some even started eating the wax paper inside the empty boxes!
“The manager, Juan, took the last 20 donuts, snuck out the back and threw them on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant so we could clear them out and lock the doors.
“It was like a cattle stampede! Juan was almost trampled to death! Is he OK? Have you seen him?”
Meanwhile, in City Hall, public health officials voiced concerns over what they referred to collectively as the “ugly step-sister” of the sugar high.
“You think it’s bad now?” one anonymous senior first responder told VEN. “Wait until the insulin response kicks in. It’s going to be like the end of the world out there.
“No wonder they’re so goddamned angry all the time!
“We’re calling emergency services in Virginia and Maryland to try to get two tonnes of Twizzlers to the Mall stat.
“Off the record, I don’t want to think about what happens next, if those Twizzlers don’t get here in time!”
Developing . . . .