VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) –– Early Sunday morning a small group of sophisticated hackers believed to be associated with the 12 Russians recently indicted for hacking the now-missing DNC server, breached the firewall at Very Ersatz News in what authorities now believe was a brazen attempt to put the fledgling fake news network out of business.
“They made a real mess of things,” Senior Managing Editor Perry White told reporters from his home overlooking famed Coit Tower in Telegraph Hill where he lives with his mistress Krystall of Mitchell Brother’s fame and their dog Buster, a Poodle/Pomeranian mix who — as many dog lovers might recall — had a brief, tempestuous affair with Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, Tinkerbell in the late 1990s.
“The hackers then altered and posted an incoherent draft of an under-development story by our award-winning correspondent Chuck Tatum on Deep State corruption, presumably to make him look like a moron,” Mr White explained.
“This was a story Mr. Tatum had been working on for several weeks that was p@ssword protected! And believe me, Chuck goes out of his way every day to prove he’s a moron — he certainly doesn’t need a Russian hacker’s help with that!
[ EDITOR’s NOTE — The Russian hackers sent out the following text (expletives redacted) from the breached VEN secure server: ]
Szrozic shape shifting during meeting
What the hell is he doing? God da** it do we have to get Azazel back here to keep this guy in line?
Technically director he’s not a guy he’s a well …. he’s a demon.
Jesus Christ! If he fu**ing does that during the public hearing tomorrow we’re screwed!
Exorcizo te, omnis spiritus immunde! The FBI’s Embarrassing Demon Problem — Is it getting worse?
Picture of crazed Strozic.
Blah blah blah blah blah — вы, ребята, сосать, The Onion смешнее!
“Additionally, as outlined in our police report, the hackers took three cases of Lagavulin 16 scotch, a half-empty 1.75 litre bottle of Grey Goose vodka, several ounces of medical marijuana, a COLT .45 1911 with 1000 rounds of ammunition, a boom box with an 80s dance mix tape featuring Kool And The Gang, three tanks of nitrous oxide, and at least 35 classic back issues of The National Lampoon — effectively putting us out of business in the short-term.
“Oh, I almost forgot!
“The hackers also made off with just under 1.5 million in cash (USD) that I had locked in my desk drawer in a lock box that was also duct-taped shut.
“The money was part of a five-part expose on GoFundMe and PayPal Donation scams that we’d been working on for six months.
“And no, we weren’t insured and the cash is probably untraceable. So as you can imagine, we’re all pretty devastated right now.”
Developing . . . .