VEN (Santa’s Workshop) — Orgies with Rudolph, Donner, and Blitzen. Pills, booze, Internet porn, late night sleigh rides to visit so-called “Gentleman’s Clubs” on Montreal’s infamous St Catherine’s Street, and a young mistress tucked away at close friend Superman’s notorious Fortress of Solitude are just the tip of the iceberg, veracity-challenged, pit-bull plaintiff’s attorney Gloria Allred told reporters Tuesday in what some Santa watchers are predicting could be the beginning of end of Christmas as we know it!
Flanked by four stern-faced former Santa Helpers from Central America, Ms Allred depicted Jolly Old Saint Nick as a sado-masochistic, pill-popping tyrant who regularly engaged in “despicable acts” with his overworked, underpaid, undocumented elves, who — fearing deportation — were too afraid to come forward.
“This large imposing bearded man with an enormous belly like an intimidating professional Sumo wrestler, who — in outrageous defiance of intentional law — continues to dress in his signature crimson-dyed baby seal pelt suit with polar-bear fur trim and contrasting black Alaskan sharkfin Pilgrim belt should be held accountable for years of elfin exploitation and abuse!
“And we’re here today to ensure that he is!”
Arnold Saperstein — spokesperson for Klaus-Feinstein, Inc who own a majority share of Christmas — vigorously denied the allegations against Mr Klaus, and told reporters they welcomed the chance to clear his name in court.
“Santa Claus, his wife Mrs Klaus, and Klaus-Feinstein, Inc do not settle. We fight.
“Mr Klaus will be delivering Christmas presents as usual this year. And contrary to continuing inaccurate stories in the Washington Post, Rudolph — who has been close friends with the Klaus family since 1949 — will be the lead reindeer again on Christmas Eve, assuming he finishes his program at the Betty Ford Clinic on time, and we have every reason to believe that he will.
“Ms Allred’s baseless, self-serving ‘Grinch Gambit’ is not going to steal Christmas 2017!”
Developing . . . .