VEN (LAS VEGAS) — As the fifth survivor of the October Harvest Festival massacre in Las Vegas died under mysterious circumstances last week, Clark County Nevada Sheriff Joseph Lombardo told reporters Sunday that his office was reaching out to the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) and Actors’ Equity Association (AEA) to reassure their members that to his knowledge no “dark force” is actively eliminating crisis actors who were hired to work the Harvest Festival Massacre (HFM).

“And we believe the same holds true for eyewitnesses like Kymberley Suchomel, who claimed they saw multiple shooters — some at ground level — and soon after talking to the press were found dead.

“Like the shooting itself, these deaths are nothing more than a series of strange coincidences,  which the FBI Crime Lab now believes may have some correlation to the Earth’s weakening magnetic field and aberrant solar activity in the weeks leading up to and following the shooting.

“As for the lethal car crash of  Dennis and Lorraine Carver, whose car suddenly accelerated and smashed into an iron gate, burning with such intensity that it took firefighters over an hour to contain the fire, we now believe the vehicle’s  computer was inadvertently hacked by as-yet unidentified teenage gamers playing Grand Theft Auto V, which — tragically — a timely repeal of Net Neutrality might have prevented.”

When asked to explain how a car could burn for over an hour after firefighters began fighting the fire, Sheriff Lombardo dismissed rumors of a thermite bomb, and explained that investigators believe that the Carver’s vehicle may have been an “under wraps”  Tesla prototype powered by a  beta-version of their NextGen TURBO-128-bit lithium-ion battery which may have been  damaged in the crash resulting a “thermal runaway,” where the battery’s electrolyte burns at 1000 degrees Fahrenheit and then explodes.

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