The Schumer Letters — I’m In Here On A Paper Manufacturers Convention, And Frankly To Have A Little Fun

VEN (NEW YORK) — Anonymous sources tell VEN, that New York Senator Chuck chuck-schumer-young-chuckSchumer received his much-vaunted perfect SAT score after watching a gay double feature —  Winter Kept Us Warm and My Hustler — with a senior executive at the Educational Testing Service (ETS), the non-profit educational organization that creates, administers, and scores the SATs, the national formalized test given to college-bound highschool juniors and seniors to determine their aptitude for advanced studies.

In a scene reminiscent of The John Cheever Letters, one of three shoeboxsurviving daughters of the ETS executive — who wishes to remain anonymous — discovered his illicit relationship with the teenaged Mr Schumer when she came upon a shoebox full of letters and ticket stubs shortly after her father’s death in March of this year.

“After Dad got him the perfect SAT score, they were planning to fly to Bangkok to get married, but at the last-minute, ‘Chazzie’ decided to go to Harvard instead.  He said Thai food made him nauseous. It broke my father’s heart.”