VEN (WASHINGTON) — What do you call a congressman who rubs up against strangers in the Capital Rotunda or on crowded METRO trains at rush hour to satisfy some dark, aberrant convoluted sexual desire?
“In the literature,” Dr Ernst Gräfenberg explained to reporters Sunday, “this is known as frotteurism, from the French “to rub,” which was first identified by Valentin Magnan and amplified by sexologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing in the late 19th century.
“A man suffering from this condition might intentionally rub up against a non-consenting stranger — woman or man — in a pubic place to achieve a kind of sexual gratification.
“But certainly not fire hydrants, water coolers, unattended luggage, or public signage.
“In other words, what we’re seeing with the person we refer to as Congressman-1 (C-1) is a bizarre and unique twist on the classic symptomatology.”
Dr Gräfenberg went on to explain that C-1 appears to use frotteurism as a kind of foreplay to gin himself up to leak classified information to the press, which is the true precursor to his sexual gratification.
“C-1 will say things like Trump rubs me the wrong way or the country is chaffing under Mr Trump, as he projects his own frotteuristic compulsions onto the President.
“C-1 also demonstrates an unhealthy pre-occupation with what we call telephone scatologia, more commonly known as the obscene phone call, as you can see from the following transcript:
— Hello, you’re reached the White House. How may I direct your call?
— [ Heavy breathing ]
— Is anyone there?
— [ Continued heavy breathing ]
— Congressman [redacted]? Is that you again? You really have to stop this.
— You like big beautiful walls don’t you? They make you hot, don’t they? What are you wearing today, you cheap, anti-DACA, climate-change-denying America-First MAGA whore!
— That’s it, Congressman. I’m hanging up now. And if you call back again I’m not going to notify the Secret Service or the Capital Police or the Chief Of Staff. I’m going to call your mother again! Is that what you want?
— I’m sorry, who is this again — do we have jeans in a size 6? You must have the wrong number! This is not The Gap! [hangs up]
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