VEN (WASHINGTON) — In what is being called the greatest comeback in American political history, George McGovern has finally beaten Richard Nixon for the presidency after all the votes from the 1972 presidential election have finally been counted.
“I’m just ecstatic for George,” DNC Chairman Tom Perez told reporters Wednesday. “Professional vote tabulators from around the world worked tirelessly for over 40 years to make sure we got this election right. And even though it’s long overdue, we couldn’t be happier!”
“When the original votes were tallied in 1972, McGovern lost every state except Massachusetts and the District of Columbia. But we knew something just wasn’t right. So we left no stone was unturned to find all the ballots and count every vote!”
Indeed, ballots were found in landfills all across America, in safe-deposit boxes, as book markers in used books, on walls as wallpaper, on the bottom of bird cages, and — incredibly — even inside a mummy at The British Museum!
“There were over 2 million ballots in the Kremlin alone that were smuggled out of Russia in boxes marked FRAGILE — Pierogi Pan Liners. And almost 1.8 million were for McGovern!
“How they ended up in Russia is anyone’s guess!”
But after all these years, McGovern’s victory comes with a price.
Pundits are now wondering how his presidency will affect Watergate, the end to the Vietnam War, the creation of the EPA, and — perhaps most troubling of all — the Ford presidency — which was only made possible by the resignation of a man who — it turns out — was never really president to begin with!
“We’re all trying to get our collective heads around this,” Congressman Adam Schiff (D-CA) told reporters early Thursday outside the New Beginnings rehabilitation center in Del Mar, where he is being treated for a long-standing ibogaine addiction.
“Rest assured, though, that any Trump involvement in this — and we believe his involvement was substantial — will come to light in the hearings that I am scheduling for early 2019!
“And I want to assure my many friends in the Defense Industry, that as far as the Democrat Party is concerned the Vietnam War is very much an ongoing thing again.
“And we will be pressuring Mr Trump to do everything he can to ensure that democracy is restored there, even if it means American boots on the ground!
“And we will obstruct this president until we get the war back on track again, where it belongs!”
Developing . . . .