VEN (WASHINGTON) — While the country reels from one potentially catastrophic world-ending Trump-created crisis after another, researchers at Stanford University School of Medicine are voicing serious concerns about one of the President’s chief critics, Congressman Adam Schiff (D-CA), and the congressman’s purported abuse of the rare psychoactive substance known as Ibogaine, found in the root bark of the Iboga tree in Central Africa.

“The signs are all there, and they are very disturbing,” Chief Research Director Dr Bernard Tupperman told reporters Monday from his office in Palo Alto.

“Look at his eyes!  That’s not goiter.  He looks just like Marty Feldman did towards the end of his life, another person who — tragically — was hopelessly addicted to Ibogaine,  and may well have died of his addiction.

“It was the Ibogaine Eyes that first brought Mr Schiff to our attention.

“But more compelling is his well-established history of erratic behavior over many years that perfectly matches what we call the Ibogaine Signature (IS), of which the bulging, maniacal  eyes are just one keynote.

“Here are the top four psychological keynotes for Ibogaine addiction in ascending order, and Mr Schiff hits them all.

“One — Driving to an old girlfriend’s house at three o’clock in the morning, taking your shirt off,  and then blasting Al Green’s Greatest Hits from a boom-box to see if she’ll turn her bedroom light on.

“As the police records indicate, Mr Schiff has done that on at least 12 occasions in California and Alexandria, Virginia and once in Tijuana, Mexico in the last year alone!

“Two — Ordering hundreds of dollars worth of  Happy Meals at the McDonald’s drive-through between 11:00 PM and midnight, and paying with rolls of quarters or a mixture of loose change  and BART tokens and arguing about an expired coupon.

“Mr Schiff did that every Wednesday night for seven months in early 2018.  In fact, he was barred from two McDonald’s in San Bernardino during that time.

“Three — Engaging in high risk behavior, especially cross dressing /LARPing at odd hours of the day and night.

“The Congressman entered three drag queen competitions — that we know of — in West Hollywood in 2017 dressed as Maxine Waters, Kamala Harris, and Cher, respectively, and each time had to be restrained by the staff when he failed to win a prize.

“But most compelling is the classic Ibogaine psychological keynote — Chronic abuse of psychic hotlines.

“According to the Inspector General’s Office, Mr Schiff charged over $60,000 USD to his Congressional VISA account over a five-year period for numerous psychic readings from the late Miss Cleo.

“In fact, we have a transcript of one such call the Congressman placed in late 2017:

–Hello, Miss Cleo’s psychic hotline!  Can I have your VISA card number please?

–Yes, it’s [redacted].

–Oh, Congressman Schiff!  How can we be helpin’ yah today?

–What else can you tell me about Trump, General Flynn and their collusion with the Russians?  And please speak slowly this time so I can write it all down.

Also, who will win the World Series this year?

And  if you have time, I’d like to cast a spell on Rand Paul — what do you charge for that?  Nothing lethal, maybe just a few broken ribs or something?

And one last thing — any updates on that buxom blonde we talked about last time? Nothing on my radar yet, unfortunately, but I’ve been taking that tonic you sent me three times a day and you were right!  I  don’t need any sleep and can stare directly at the sun for hours!

 

[ Answers redacted]

An MSNBC reporter reminded Dr Tupperman that these were old charges that had been repeatedly denied by Congressman Schiff, and dismissed as nonsense by both Snopes and Poltifact.

“Yes, we’re aware of that,” Dr Tupperman replied.  “And we dispute those denials.  We believe our research speaks for itself.

“Just ask yourself this — Why would a Congressman who WASN’T abusing Ibogaine, need 400 pounds of industrial-strength Mr Bubble delivered to his office in the Capital building every three months?

“The Congressman needs help.  That’s all we’re saying.”

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