VEN (MARS) — Anonymous sources tell VEN that former FBI Director James Comey’s bizarre personality disorders began to manifest themselves in highschool, when the uncoordinated basketball hopeful had trouble dribbling both on and off the court.
As one former Northern Highlands Regional High School basketball player explained to VEN senior White House correspondent Dirk Diggler Friday, “Let me put it this way, no one — and I mean no one — wanted to take a shower when Comey was in the locker room.
“And it wasn’t just the Dayglo thongs or the constant staring. The guy has a lot of unresolved issues.”
After highschool, the 6’8″ Comey tried to work his way through college as a junior salesman at Chiquito’s Grande Y Alto men’s store in Williamsburg, Virginia, which — unfortunately for the former FBI Director — was yet another in a long series of crushing disappointments.
As a former Chiquito’s employee who wished to remain anonymous told VEN, “The crazy pato kept hanging around the men’s dressing rooms, wearing outfits he made in his college dorm out of the same fabric as the curtains, trying to ‘blend in’ so no one would notice him. It was crazy. We had so many complaints, the boss finally fired him.
“And you know, Juanito was such an annoying pendejo, always writing in this little journal he kept in his purse. It was hard to believe that a maricon like that could become the Director for the FBI!
“We used to make him vacuum the floor every night after we closed. We called him The Gay Hoover. I guess we should have called him The Gay Edgar Hoover. Or The Invisible Maricon!”