VEN EXCLUSIVE! I Don’t Want to Che Goodbye for the Summer — Did Naughty Nan’s Nutso Co-Ed Crush Trigger Cuban Missile Crisis?

VEN (Santa Clara, Cuba) — When President Kennedy sent her packing a mere five minutes after meeting her during an inaugural ball and then had Ted Sorenson fire the Escort Service that presented him with a young, eager yet awkward Nancy D’Alesandro for “an evening of fun with a cute little Trinity girl who absolutely adores you,” the 20-year-old future speaker of the house was heartbroken.

“She cried her eyes out and — coming from a close-knit family of Italian Converso Jews — tried to overdose on a combination of NoDoz, Manischewitz, and Pez. It was very sad.

“But very soon afterwards her attentions became otherwise engaged.”

So begins a new unauthorized biography of controversial and charismatic Marxist revolutionary icon Ernesto “Che” Guevara, who — much to his chagrin, according to author Félix Rodríguez, Jr — became that not so obscure object of Miss D’Alesandro’s desire for over three tempestuous years.

“She drove him crazy,” Mr Rodríguez explained to VEN‘s Senior High Conflict Personality Disorder Correspondent Mathieu Joubert.

“They never met, but she sent him hundreds, perhaps thousands of Jean Nate-perfumed love letters which he burnt without reading them.

“The cheap perfume aggravated his asthma and burned his eyes. He gave orders to the postal service that no more letters from La Loca Yanqui were to be delivered to him under penalty of death.

“Then she hounded her father to let her accompany him on a fact-finding mission to Havana, where the former congressman acted as a CIA-backed liaison for organized crime, trying to convince Castro to open up the casinos again and exempt the the United Fruit Company from land reforms.

“One night, after drinking several Cuba Libre Dobles from room service, she rented a car and a driver, went to Che’s sea-side estate in Tarará and as crazy as it sounds, broke into the main house by climbing through a bathroom window.

“Che was not in residence at the time, so she consoled herself by stealing a number of his personal items, including a box of cigars, several of which she later gifted to President Clinton.”

This very strange story then took another very strange turn.

“No one knew for sure who this Yanqui Loca was,” Mr Rodríguez explained, “until 2018 when a construction worker stumbled upon a diary, wrapped in plastic and tinfoil, while working at a Milwaukee bridge site on Wisconsin Avenue.”

The diary, written by Milwaukee native and soldier of fortune Herman Marks — who became second-in-command to Che at La Cabaña prison and oversaw the executions of political prisoners there — contains not only details of his tribulations fighting with the rebels during La Révolution, but frequent notations about “that crazy bitch D’Alesandro” and how she was ruining Che’s life by driving a wedge between Che and Fidel Castro.

“That diary was the Rosetta stone,” Mr Rodríguez explained. “Che only referred to her as La Loca or La Loca Yanqui. It was Marks who identified her as Nancy D’Alesandro.

“According to Marks, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, Che begged Fidel to let him fire a nuclear missile at that crazy puta whore is who is making me so unhappy! But Fidel refused.

“On another occasion, when Che was Minister of Finance and President of the National bank, as he was about to sign the official currency, another perfumed letter was inadvertently delivered to him by express messenger and suddenly unable to breath, he could only manage to write Che before passing out in agony.

“Unaware of the circumstances, Fidel mistakenly believed that Che was mocking the new Cuban currency, which of course was not the case at all.

“Then during a meeting in Havana with Che, Fidel, Raul, and high-ranking Soviet officials a large manilla envelope arrived again by special messenger — this time addressed to Fidel — containing several pair of women’s panties and an array of Polaroid-Land photographs that made the cigar fall from his mouth.

“A shocked Castro looked over at Che, then told the Soviet Ambassador that he was ready to incinerate the United States, which he insisted was nothing more than an Imperialistic Yanqui Whorehouse, even if it meant the total destruction of Cuba!”

Soviet intelligence got involved at this point, Mr Rodríguez believes, and sent the undergarments and polaroid’s to Bobby Kennedy with a picture of his brother and Miss D’Alesandro during one of his inaugural balls, indicating that she was in fact a Cuban spy, which effectively ended the missile crisis as President Kennedy immediately agreed to remove American nuclear missiles from Turkey.

As for Miss D’Alesandro, associates of Jimmy ‘The Hat’ Lanza paid a visit to Miss D’Alesandro’s husband Paul Pelosi, who oversaw the petting zoo rackets for the mob in San Francisco, allegedly throwing him down a flight of stairs and putting a dead goat in his Porsche, which effectively put an end to his young wife’s obsession with Guevara, although a few years later she would transfer this obsession to Charlie Manson and then in the early 1970’s — after briefly identifying as a black woman — to Soul Train founder and show runner Don Cornelius.

Yet incredibly — as if this story couldn’t get any more bizarre — there is a very bizarre coda to this very strange story.

“It turns out,” Mr Rodríguez explained, “that when the Beatles were filming Help! in the Bahamas, Marks had a chance encounter with the Fab Four at the Balmoral Club bar, where he was drinking with Mike Hoare and other mercenaries just back from Africa.

“Marks claims in his diary that he told them the story of Nancy D’Alesandro breaking into Che’s home, writing I told them this crazy bitch only knew how to steal things, like Che’s silverware and cigars, but she had no idea how to rob.

The guy who called himself Paul thought that was pretty funny, especially when Mike said if a woman did something like that to him and he caught her he would bang her a good one in the head with a ball peen hammer.

Developing . . . .