BREAKING! Coffee Makes Me Nervous When I Drink It, Mmhm — John “Sling Blade” Fettermen Injured In Dancing with the Stars Mishap!

VEN (LOS ANGELES) — Anonymous sources have confirmed to VEN‘s Senior Autistic Avant-Garde Cotillion Correspondent Edward Grimley that cognitively impaired Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor and Senate candidate John Fetterman sustained an as yet undisclosed injury on the set of Dancing with the Stars, where he was paired with larger-than-life international recording artist and health enthusiast Lizzo during a rehearsal of their “sexy, plus-sized fox trot number for the ages” choreographed by legendary Democrat mega doner and Broadway icon, Tommy Tune.

“Tommy thought it would be fun to reverse roles, so he had Lizzo leading. And when they were working on having her dip John, at a critical moment in the dip, she apparently lost her balance when John’s unsteady legs gave way, and then KA-BOOM! she fell on top of him like an Acme Anvil dropped from atop a twelve story building, knocking the wind out of Mr Fetterman and causing him to lose consciousness for over 30 minutes.

“When he came to, it turned out that aside from being terribly disorientated and in considerable pain, he had wet himself and was unable to continue.”

Mr Fetterman on what he intends to do if he is elected senator — “This’n that. Tooth paste and whatnot.”

Ironically, the segment was being kept under close wraps and was intended to showcase Mr Fetterman’s agility and strength in the wake of accusations by his sometimes MAGA Republican opponent and Turkish dual citizen, Dr Mehmet Oz, that Mr Fetterman is unwell and — owing to his continued awkwardness on the dancefloor and during campaign rallies after suffering a massive stroke in May of this year — mentally and physically unfit to hold the office of senator.

Mr Fetterman has vehemently denied these accusations, and most recently responded to Mr Oz at a rally in Altoona with these words: There were these two fellars standin’ on a bridge, a-goin’ to the bathroom. One fellar said, “The water’s cold” and the other fellar said, “The water’s deep”. I believe one fella come from New Jersey. Get it?

Developing . . . .