You Went to School to Learn Girl, Things You Never Knew Before — Naughty Nan Goes Wacko For Jacko!

VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) — Anonymous sources close to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), tell VEN‘s Senior Borderline Personality Disorder Correspondent Eric Berne, that the frequently alcohol-impaired octogenarian Congresswoman has been obsessed with Michael Jackson ever since Ms Pelosi, a featured dancer on Soul Train under the stage name Shironda P, met the 14-year-old singer backstage after the Jackson Five performed I Want You Back on the show in 1972.

soul train j5

“Her close friends at the time thought it was a little odd,” former San Fransisco mayor Willie Brown explained to reporters Monday, “but then again she was passing as a black girl at the time, after living with the Manson family at the Spahn ranch a few years earlier and dating Black Panther Huey Newton and diabolist Anton LeVay.  So we just figured, you know, that she was just crazy Nancy being crazy!”

Long-time confident Paul Lynde wrote in his autobiography Eat, Drink, and Be Mary, that Ms Pelosi bought a white rat at a West Hollywood pet store after watching Ben over 200 times at the Tiffany Theater and then colored the rat black with her mascara.

ben the rat

“She was doing a lot of speed then,” Mr Lynde recounted, “and you almost had to, you know, to watch a movie like that more than once (sorry Ernie), let alone over 200 times!  She would keep her pet rat in her purse and then hold him up from time to time so he could see the screen, annoying everyone sitting around her.  I heard that she even tried to get her former lover Anton LeVay to marry them!  My GOD! And people thought Frances Langford was crazy!”

Things took a decided turn for the worse when the King of Pop died unexpectedly in 2009.

“That’s when she started changing her appearance to mimic his and had her husband broker a deal with the Catholic Church to buy Neverland to help the Jackson family pay off his debts,” a former Soul Train associate explained to VEN.

“She went from fly girl, to high girl, to bat shit crazy girl and never looked back.  It was around this time that she bought 15,000 cans of Folger instant coffee to remind her of her former BFF Abigail Folger during her Manson days, then had a local artist turn the empty cans into a moon-walking Michael Jackson statue holding a coffee can “urn” that contained the cremated ashes of her pet rat, Jacko! I mean she was a total mess!”

Dr Stephan Moreau of UCLA Medical Center believes that what he calls NanPel-KoPop Disorder goes beyond just bizarre behavior, and thinks it may be caused by a viral pathogen in what he calls clown-red lipstick or an as yet undiscovered toxin in women’s hair dye.

“One day a woman mistakenly buys a pair of glasses with oversized frames, and the next day woman all over the country are doing the same thing — from Sally Jessie Raphael to Tootsie! And you see this even today on The View with Joy Behar!

Michael Jackson in 2007, looking very much like the current governor of New York.

“We’re seeing the same thing with NanPel-KoPop Disorder, most notably with the current Governor of New York, Kathy Hochul.  We don’t as yet understand the causative factors, which is very troubling, since one of the more unnerving symptoms — aside from the severe and irreversible megalomania — is a kind of withering RBF!

“Oddly enough, you see this with Hillary Clinton, as well, minus the Michael Jackson appearance fetish of course.

Developing . . . .