VEN (NASHUA, NH) — “I am not a possum, OK?” Nashua Mayor Jim Donchess told VEN’s Senior Political Ward Heel Correspondent Adam Caulfield Sunday, as the mayor surveyed what critics are calling his latest in a vast array of friends and associates boondoggles — the never-ending-under-construction Nashua Performing Arts Center, currently slated to cost taxpayers between 200 and 400 billion dollars.
The PAC, a shoe store that the city bought for 4.5 million dollars and then demolished after letting it sit idle for several years, is projected to rise several stories above its previous venue using state of the art concrete block and rebar construction. As program manager Rene LeBlanc, a graduate of the esteemed Lysenko Civil Engineering Institute in Washburn Maine, told VEN‘s Caulfied, “She is the only building like her in the world!”
“Look,” Mayor Donchess explained. “Is it running over schedule? Is it running over budget? Are
we using taxpayer money when we said we wouldn’t? Yes, of course. But you have to look at the upside — whenever it’s completed and no matter how much it costs, we’ll be hosting acts like Two Dog Night and The Dave Clark Four. Robert Goulet impersonator Tim Beasley. And of course a perennial Nashua favorite, Rene Beauchamp and the Smoke on the Water Heavy Metal Tribute Band!
“You don’t see acts like those in Boston or New York! Not even in Dracut. You know how I know that? Because we spent over 2 million taxpayer dollars doing studies, that’s how!
“No matter how much it costs, it’ll definitely be worth it!”
And then the mayor did a very strange thing — he laid down on the sidewalk and pretended to be be dead!
“This sort of thing happens all the time,” Alderman at Large Jefferson Smith told VEN. “And he pretends not to understand why people think he’s a possum. It’s actually common knowledge that the mayor was part of an experiment by a real-life Dr Moreau in Barbados in the 40’s and 50’s. The guy’s a possum who was turned into a man. He a transpossum. And it’s time he came out of the closet and was honest about it with his constituents.”
According to public records, the mayor’s extended family came from Sherbrook, Quebec, where the name Donchess is French-Canadian slang for Possum Man. Similar to the werewolf myths in Europe, the French-Canadians believe that possum men — Les Donchess — appear at night and cheat people out of poutine, slim jims, and open cans of beer. If cornered, they shape shift into possums and play dead.
“If you’re a transpossum,” a Nashua resident who wished to remain anonymous explained, “it’s not that big a stretch from stealing poutine to misappropriating tax dollars. Mattel could come out with a transpossum doll and it won’t change that reality.
“And BTW, that ridiculous Performing Arts Center is as brain dead as the triangular manhole covers they used to have here.
“If it ever actually opens — which is doubtful — within two years it will be 90% vacant with boarded up windows and a methadone clinic on the first floor.
“Transpossum or not, the guy should be investigated by the state attorney general for fiscal malfeasance. Or at the very least relocated to a zoo where he can revert to being a possum 24/7 and no longer do any harm to his constituents.”
Developing . . . .
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 