VEN (PITTSBURGH) — In a shocking development Tuesday, America’s beloved winter/spring forecasting marmota monax rodent-extraordinaire Punxsutawney Phil, tested positive for COVID-19 and is now in quarantine.
“He complained of a sore throat, increased irritability, a slight cough, and was unable to taste or smell the clover and dried timothy grass we put out for him,” Otto Orkin, Senior Inner Circle Punxsutawney Phil handler and personal confidant told reporters late Tuesday, at a hastily assembled press conference outside Punxsutawney Area Hospital, where Phil is being kept overnight for observation.
“He is one very unhappy woodchuck, to be honest,” Phil’s attending physician Dr. Edwin Possum added. “And he’s saying no new Spring for another 5 years, although we think he may be delirious from the Oxytropis we have him on.”
Biden Administration spokesperson Jen Psaki — who is currently under subpoena by a Federal Grand jury investigating the disappearance of 3 Avon Ladies in Potomac, Maryland, where Ms Psaki resides — said that President Biden believes this could be a White Supremacist Domestic Terrorist Assault (WSDTA) on the groundhog, and has asked Attorney General Merrick Garland to have the DOJ launch an investigation, which Mr Garland said he would undertake as soon as the FBI’s woodchuck suits come back from the dry cleaners.
Ms Psaki also pointed out that with his dire prediction, the groundhog confirmed Mr Biden’s admonition weeks earlier that we were entering a “very dark winter.”
“We’re overjoyed,” Ms Psaki added, “or over the moon, as my little girl Wednesday likes to say, that the rodent has predicted five more years of winter! His prediction couldn’t come at a more appropriate time! And as a triple-vaxxed COVID survivor myself, I’d like to wish Punxsutawney Bill or Phil or whatever his name is a very speedy recovery!”
Asked if Phil could have gotten COVID-19 from Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, since the woodchuck was photographed by paparazzi leaving Ms Cortez’ Miami hotel room without any shoes in the wee hours of the morning on January 3, just days before Ms Cortez herself came down with COVID-19, Ms Psaki said she had no comment, and referred reporters to Ms Cortez’ former spokesperson and unnaturalized US citizen, Saikat Chakrabarti.
Developing . . . .