VEN (ROME) — Late Friday — in what many are calling a shocking, unprecedented development — Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Pasquale “The Little Paraclete” Benedetto announced that the Catholic Church has decided to buy controversial theme park Neverland Ranch from the estate of the late openly-closeted pedophilic moonwalking former-African-American King Of Pop, Michael Jackson.
“We’re redoin’ the whole friggin’ place!” the Cardinal explained to reporters. “We’re callin’ it Vatican Three, a kind of theme park for little boys — girls too, of course — which is something that’s very unique for us. His Holiness is very excited!”
Plans call for the controversial Flying Naked Cub Scout ride to be rechristened Letters to Timothy and the addition of a bathing-suit-optional Holy Water Slide that ends in an enormous crucifix-shaped heated pool filled with koi and golden swans.
“We got Raffi under contract, Carvel, Chuck-e-Cheese, we hired the Dashing Dans away from Disneyland and are callin’ ’em the Vito Corl-e-tones.
“And we’ll have five real live pontiffs dressed in papal white, strolling the grounds and selling photos and indulgences.
“Marone! The whole thing makes my head spin! Hand to God, we think it’s gonna be bigger than the Counter Reformation!”
Developing . . . .