VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) — After a bizarre drunken driving incident in Napa Vally involving Mr Pelosi, his Porche, and a lingerie-wearing nanny goat allegedly abducted from a nearby petting zoo (who — it turns out — might actually have been a billy goat in drag) the husband of the Speaker of the House is back in the news again, this time for an equally bizarre incident involving an aging Castro-district rent boy possessing superhuman ninja powers, who allegedly broke into the Pelosi’s spacious Pacific Heights mansion by somehow defeating the many security cameras on the property and slipping past security patrols and a cadre of live-in domestics unnoticed.
“I’ve seen stranger things happen after an ordinary, run-of-the-mill vegan pride parade,” an anonymous SFPD detective told VEN Sunday morning. “After all, this is San Francisco!”
After gaining entrance, the intruder — identified by police as 42-year-old professional nudist David DePape — allegedly made his way directly to Mr Pelosi’s bedroom, removed his cloths, and when he discovered that Mr Pelosi was alone in bed, insisted that Mr Pelosi use his cell phone — strategically located in the bathroom — to call his wife Nancy “so that we can get this Twister game started!”
The quick thinking Mr Pelosi removed his pajamas and then called the police instead.
And this is where things get confusing.
When the police arrived a mere two minutes later, an as-yet-to-be-identified third party opened the door for them, just as Mr DePape grabbed a rubber hammer from Mr Pelosi and began beating him with it.
So just who was this mystery man or woman who opened the door for police?
Speculation has run the gamut from Gavin Newsome to Pete Buttigieg to Cher to Hunter Biden, with some questionable news outlets even suggesting that the mystery door opener was Congressman Adam Schiff (D-CA), a long-time closet nudist who delights in making hemp jewelry, is allegedly addicted to games like Twister and Beat That! Beat That! and is no stranger to The Castro.
But VEN‘s Senior MacGuffin Correspondent John Forbes Nash thinks he may have the answer.
“Without naming names, a certain Senator from New Jersey is known to dress up in Sasquatch suits for no apparent reason. No one knows exactly why he does this, but never-the-less that’s what he does. And he’s been doing it for years.
“Shortly after police arrived at the Pelosi mansion, there were multiple Big Foot sightings in Pacific Heights all the way to the Presidio to the Golden Gate bridge and then later across Marin County where they finally stopped.
“We think it was this Senator who opened the door for police and was then allowed to “disappear.”
Developing . . . .