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VEN (PHILADELPHIA) — Many in attendance at the Biden/Fetterman rally on November 5, at the heavily papered Temple University’s Liacouras Center, who were old enough to remember Casey Stengel’s 1958 testimony before a Senate sub-committee hearing investigating baseball’s anti-trust exemption, compared President Biden’s confusing remarks to classic incomprehensible Stengelese.

“Not only didn’t Biden make any sense, but later listening to him talk with Fetterman reminded me of Casey talking to Yogi Berra,” one octogenarian independent voter told VEN‘s Senior Neologism Correspondent Professor Erwin Corey.

“They might as well have been speaking Chinese. In fact, maybe they were talking Chinese. It was impossible to tell!”

A brain scan purported to be Mr Fetterman’s that was leaked to VEN last Wednesday shows that — incredible as it may seem — a tiny white mouse and a ping-pong ball have taken up residence inside the Lieutenant Governor’s head after he suffered a massive stroke in early May.

“We think the mouse nudges the ping pong ball from time to time,” VEN‘s staff radiologist Dr. James Kildare explained, “which results in aphasia and a craving for massive amounts of Little Debbie Cakes and endless 30s of Mountain Dew.

“We believe that the President suffers from a similar malady.”

And is this the reason for Mr Biden’s frequent stumbling and falls?

“Not entirely, although it is definitely a contributing factor.

“The President’s lack of balance is we believe an unforeseen side-effect of Mr Biden’s Impervious Presidential Adult Diaper or iPAD for short.

“During a sudden maximum incursion event or SMIE, the President’s center of gravity is adversely affected.

“The mouse becomes startled, running back and forth inside Mr Biden’s head, the ping pong ball’s movement becomes erratic, the terrified mouse begins to hop up and down to avoid the ping pong ball, adversely affecting the President’s equilibrium and causing him to place his hand to his head to steady himself, until ultimately the President trips or falls down.”

And the mouse and the ping pong ball — how on Earth did they get inside Mr Biden’s head?

“My understanding is that Victoria Nuland believes that Putin is responsible, and that the mystery will only be solved once we give another 48 billion USD to the Ukraine while simultaneously threatening to surround Moscow with non-cis-gendered-detransitioned Polish special forces and zaftig Lithuanian drag queens wrapped in cellophane.”

That’s incredible!

“Yes. It is incredible.

“By the way, just to close the loop, I’d like to add that anonymous sources inside SFPD told a medical examiner colleague of mine that when police arrested Mr Pelosi’s attacker, David DePape, he had in his possession — in his backpack I believe — three tiny white mice, a hole saw, and a vast collection of multi-colored ping pong balls.

“Startled by the police, Mr DePape dropped the hole saw and in desperation resorted to what was apparently his backup plan — a stainless steel trepanning hammer he had specially made in The Castro.

“Make of that what you will.”

Developing . . . .