VEN (WASHINGTON) — Democrat National Committee spokesperson Henry F. Potter told reporters Monday that we want to make sure we get it right this time and avoid situations where more votes are cast than registered voters, what Mr Potter referred to as overly aggressive, white supremacist, transphobic, insurrectionist MEGA MAGA voters, who — after voting themselves — return to the polls illegally in the guise of dead relatives, Democrat neighbors, farm animals, and progressive co-workers to vote repeatedly for a straight Republican ticket.
“There was a sensational case in the 2020 election — which I’m sure you’re all familiar with — in a small town in Northern New Hampshire with a population of 200, where — believe it or not — 25,000 people voted for President Trump! Three cows also voted, a red squirrel, and an entire flock of Merino sheep!
“Obviously, we don’t want something like that happening again.
“After all, this is the United States of America, not Russia or Great Britain!”
To ensure the sanctity of the mid-term election votes, Mr Potter announced that the DNC has hired 25 contract abacas experts from China to assist in the vote count in any state that requests their help.
“We’re not talking red states or blue states, we’re talking the United States, all 54 or 57 of them depending upon how you count!
“These guys are fast, accurate, and live on Ramen Noodles until the job is done. We have a protocol in place, which requires moving the abacus guys from county to county within each state and then to the counties in other states and if there are discrepancies with the machine counts, then back to that county or polling site to re-tabulate the votes again.
“The initial estimate they gave us was 18 months, but we’re happy to report that we cut that estimate in half. And we’re still negotiating!
“Everyone needs to understand that these things take time! The abacuses need to be carefully set up and calibrated, humidity and temperature must be taken into account, and then we need to do a series of test runs to ensure that everything is working properly.
“Look, we vote early now, not just on election day. So there’s no reason why we need the results ON election day. That’s just outdated, boomer 20th-century thinking. We’re way beyond that now! Accuracy is infinitely superior to timeliness!
“Bottom line — we want to ensure that when we’re finally done counting and recounting and — if necessary — recounting again, that we can absolutely guarantee a 110% accurate vote count no matter how long it takes us!”
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