Very Ersatz News Politics

Fetterman Dodges Sasquatch Question, Denies Industrial Strength Depilatory Rumors!

VEN (PITTSBURGH) — A stroke or a dangerous hair-removal procedure in a basement meth lab gone terribly wrong?

Mr Fetterman’s official mayoral photo overlooking the city of Braddock, Pennsylvania, circa 2006.

After losing a 14-th amendment lawsuit filed with the Western Pennsylvania District Court to prevent Extraterrestrial Biological Entities or EBEs from being barred from seeking Federal office, Democrat Lieutenant Governor and Senate hopeful John Fetterman, allegedly suffered a massive stroke in May, 2022, which severely impacted his ability to process and understand spoken language, a condition known as aphasia.

However, VEN‘s Senior Paranormal Correspondent Dr R. Kenneth Wilson believes there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Mr Fetterman after initial electrolysis treatment in Altoona days before tragic depilatory mishap.

“The guy’s a BigFoot, plain and simple,” Dr Wilson explains. “We had a 23andMe DNA analysis taken from some fur that Mr Fetterman left behind on a barbed wire fence in Braddock after disembarking in a beam of light from a hovering UFO that confirms that the Lieutenant Governor is at least 75% Sasquatch, with the remaining 25% being a mixture of French-Canadian, German, and gopher DNA.

“Is this disqualifying? Can a BigFoot serve in the US Senate? I guess we’re about to find out.”

Developing . . . .