VEN (Port-au-Prince) — VEN‘s Senior Caribbean Disinformation Correspondent and winner of the coveted Alpha-66 Award for Questionable Meritorious Clandestine Achievement — Frank Sturgis — sat down with the grandson of former Haitian president François “Papa Doc ” Duvalier at the swank Hôtel de Movado Saturday, to discuss his recent announcement that, in the wake of the suicide-turned-assassination of President Jovenel Moïse, Mr Duvalier will be returning to Haiti in the hopes of following in his grandfather and father’s footsteps.
Frank Sturgis — So first there was Papa Doc, then Baby Doc, and now Tik Tok Duvalier?
Etienne Duvalier — Yes, that is correct.
FS — I’ve seen your latest video — on Tik Tok of course — and I must say it is very impressive. I especially liked the title Haiti, what have you done for me lately? and the beautiful Haitian girls twerking in the background.
ED — Ah, yes! The Ton Ton Macoute Dancers! Aren’t they marvelous! Many I personally rescued from the Clinton Foundation when they were children before they could be sent to Comet Pizza in Honduras.
FS — So why Haiti, why now, and why Tik Tok Duvalier?
ED — Well, you know, there has been so much strife, so much misfortune in Haiti, and so much suffering, that when I was approached by Jean-Claude Trichet and Meghan O’Sullivan I thought hey, why not? Perhaps it is time to return Haiti to a legitimate US-backed dictatorship, but as Monsieur Trichet stressed, this time in a fun way!
FS — In a fun way?
ED — Why not? You get a lemon, you make a crise de lwa.
FS — A zombie?
ED — Well, yes, but again in a fun way.
FS — Would it surprise you if I told you that until your first Tik Tok video, there was no record of an Etienne Duvalier anywhere in the world, the Duvalier family claims they never heard of you, and that until you emerged out of nowhere as Etienne “Tik Tok” Duvalier you worked as a bouncer at Brian Kelly’s notorious strip joint/after hours club the Penguin Lounge in South Bend, Indiana? And that your real name is in fact De’Vonte Javarius Biggens?
ED — To that I would say, perhaps you should talk to Jared Kushner.
Developing . . . .
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 